The Abridged Legend Of Zelda: Majora's Mask
by insertnamehere13
Summary: (BACK FROM A 3-YEAR HIATUS! WHOOP!) Ever wondered how would Majora's Mask be like if the characters were all freaky, the seriousness replaced by sheer nonsensical comedy and Link had a voice and a sarcastic sense of humor? Well, it's here. (See Chapter 2's notes about the story rating)
1. Chapter 1: A New World

**A/N:** So, this is my first stab at this fanfiction gig. I had been writing this for some time, and decided to post it here. I have 7 chapters up and will post them gradually, however... I decided to go just with the first one now, you know, to test it.

An important matter I have been meaning to point out though: Chapter 1 is really this small, but when I wrote the other chapters, I was trying to maintain a 1000 ~ 1500 word-count per chapter. So, if you think the following chapters - Chapter 2 is probably going up tomorrow - are too short, be sure to tell me, so I can work something out, like mixing two chapters or something.

And I'm really trying hard here, but I'm Brazilian. So, typos and mispellings and the like will be somewhat common and I appreciate correction, because my spellcheck is busted.

So, um, enjoy, I guess. And review, for the love of God.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Legend of Zelda. I mean, I own the game, I have 'em all, but the series, I mean.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: <strong>A New World

**Day X, Time Y, Lost Woods**

Back in the day, there was a dark time over the holy city of Hyrule.

A time when trees got sick, mountains produced red flame instead of the regular everyday carbon monoxide, arrows did not catch fire when launched towards the sun and mask salesman did not look like sick pedophile/maniac hybrids.

In the midst of all the darkness that engulfed that peaceful land, a hero was lying in wait. For seven years.

It was a man who did not speak; instead, he justified his will with actions.

It was a man who did not falter; instead, he never gave in to fear and stood strong against enemies.

It was a man who... Did not grasp the concept of 'privacy' seeing as he was always breaking in people's houses randomly and breaking their boxes and bottles in search of money.

Anyway, that man, along with the trusty Master Sword, brought justice upon those who wished to bring any more harm upon others; and it was that same legendary blade that he left behind, as well as fame and fortune. He just walked away without a word after saving millions of lives. Where could that man be?

"OK, that's it. I'm tired! First some dumb voice says to me 'leave thy blade upon the sacred sanctuary' and forces me to lose my best weapon... Then my fairy suddenly leaves home to get engaged to some Russian oil tycoon... What the hell is a Russian anyway? Then, I'm told that I could continue pretending I'm mute because my voice is apparently as pleasant as a Goron rolling down Jabu-Jabu's belly... SCREW YOU ALL!"

Yeah, this was him. The hero who saved Hyrule. Link. He was riding his horse Epona in search of his fairy Navi, who left him, as said so gently by our brave and trusty hero.

"Huh, Lost Woods sure has changed, hasn't it, Epona?" _Great. I'm talking to my horse. Now I'm sure I need some more of that blue potion... _"I remember it used to be one hell of a fucking maze, and now it's just... Some woods... Yeah, some lost woods."

Hearing only horse steps as response, Link continued looking around for his partner.

_Okay, Navi, wherever you are, I'm going to find you, and then I will..._

He suddenly was interrupted by two fairies swinging around Epona, who jerked back and threw Link off her back. Link looked, shocked, and blurted:

"OK, Navi, tell me why you decided to turn all purple and... Who's the yellow fairy with you? Is that the Russian man you were talking about? Because I -OW!"

Suddenly, a slap from behind stopped his train of thought and threw it off-track. When Link woke up, he faced not only the fairies, but also a man dressed with straw clothing and a creepy mask.

"AW HELL NO, THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE ANOTHER OF THOSE RAPE SCHEMES YOU RELIGIOUS PEOPLE DO ALL THE TIME... BECAUSE I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I STUDIED THE LEGENDARY 'HIT-AND-RUN' STYLE AND..."

The strange kid turned and got scared. Hiding something in his back, he watched as Link crept towards him.

"Well, I am just going to say it once... Give my fucking money back!" _Huh, it looks like my ocarina is gone. Well, I probably dropped that thing back at the castle... I'll just..._

No answer. Link threw himself at the kid, who in turn dodged and jumped in his horse, zooming away, the two fairies following him through the dense wood.

"Great. I got to lose my sword, my friend, my money and my horse. FUCK YEAH. And now I'm talking to myself, not even to a horse. YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT YOU LITTLE-"

Running as fast as he could, Link found a path of rising logs and a door, which he passed quickly. After some more running, he accidentally fell on a deep, gaping hole which seemed to never end, until he reached soil, only to find the kid again, ocarina in hand.

**Day X, Time Y, Deep Hole In Lost Woods**

"That horse of your is an ass! It doesn't listen to a word I say and-"

"Er..." Link interrupted, "That's because it only listens to me, because we have a kind of blood pact and... Aw, forget it. You were saying...?"

"I did you a favor and got rid of him."

"YOU DID WHAT?" _I'm not taking the subway again!_

"And now, what I should do to you... Ah, I know!"

Before he could say a thing, Link found himself engulfed in magic, and some Mad Scrubs charged at him and everything seemed to fade, the air was getting heavy, there were George Bush naked images everywhere...

"YEEEEEAAAARRRGGGHHHH!" Link screamed, only to see something even more shocking - which is hard - in his reflection on the water before him...

**...To be continued.**

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><p><strong>AN**: Told you it was going to be short. It's just some kind of prologue, anyway. Alright, thanks for reading and peace out!


	2. Chapter 2: Getting Out

**A/N:** So, what's up people? This is chapter two.

Now, a few quick notes here. First of all, that's the chapter I said would be a bit short. I'm still thinking about making bigger chapters from now on, but I'll need your opinion on that, so If you please...

Also, seeming as my story was not appearing among the other ones because currently rated M (and the search filter is kinda K - T by default) for all the swearing, I changed the rating to T. I realized it's kinda... 'innocent', I mean, within the guidelines they say T is supposed to contain minor coarse language and, well, this story has got just some random words, I mean, it's not like I wrote two characters calling each other names and talked about abortion and incest-rape. So, I changed the rating. But if I'm told to change back to M, I will.

Now, enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I own it. I OWN IT. IT'S MINE. Not.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2:<strong> Getting Out

**Day X, Time Y, Deep Hole In Lost Woods**

It took several minutes for Link to realizewhat had happened to him. After a good two or three minutes of drama, he looked carefully and realized that he was just... Transformed into a Deku. Yes, the Deku, creatures who used to inhabit Kokiri Forest and its outskirts. Small, wood-composed things with a long, hole-edged nose for shooting Deku Nuts. He still had his boots, blonde hair and trusty green hat, but he still looked awful.

_I am a Deku. Yes. A Deku. How awesome, now I can spend the rest of my life hidden in plants throwing seeds at random people just for fun and giving away secret codes or else... Right... YEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!_

"Oh, you look mahvelous, dahling!' said the kid, with a defying and sarcastic tone. 'If you didn't like it, though, then come over here... IF YOU CAN!"

"Hey!" Link could only shout (yes, it seems even transforming into a Deku couldn't stop Link's will to talk again) before the kid floated behind a now closed stone gate.

_Dammit, he's gone! And I am here, all alone, turned into a Deku... What the? Who's there?_

"AY! I'M TALKING TO YOU, WOODY!" a voice suddenly called Link from behind, "OPEN UP THAT FUCKING DOOR SO WE CAN PROCEED!"

_Gah! The Russian is talking to me! _"Er... Vodka!"

"Wut?"

"Perestroika! Moscow! KGB! Socialism!"

"You are dumb, scrub. Do you think I'm Russian or what?"

"Uh... You aren't?"

"OF COURSE I'M NOT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE RUSSIA IS?"

"So you are..." _Dammit, I was wrong? I was so sure..._

"I am Tatl, a fairy from Lost goddamn Woods. Is it so hard for you to see? Now let's move, before the Skull Kid and Tael leave me again, like that day in a city fair..."

_Tael? Wut? No Navi?_ 'Okay, so how do I open it?'

"Pressing the A button, obviously!"

"A... Button?" Link voiced, confused. "Wazzat?"

"Er... Look, just open it like you've done before!"

"Ah, that A button... Here goes!"

With a noise, the stone gate opened, revealing a wooden path which Link and Tatl followed without hesitation. They were stopped at the end, by a bunch of platforms leading to the way forward. At the floor, in front of Link, there was a flower.

"So, you wanna move? Then blast already!"

"Blast?"

"Yeah, Dekus do it all the time! You burrow underground here, wait, spit some pollen out and WHIZZAM! With two flowers and air resistance, you can fly for a short period of time!"

"Uh, yeah," _This fairy is crazy. Reeeeeal crazy._ "So, burrow under- OOF! POLLEN! YUK! WARGH!" _Spit! Spit! Whew... Hey, I'm stuck. Damn, how can I get out... Ah, I know! These flowers seem to be cornering me, I'll just... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOA!_

"See, I told ya!"

"HOW DO YOU MAKE THIS THING STOP?!"

After floating to the other side, the duo faced many more obstacles before reaching a Deku-like small tree and a gate.

"Look, this tree looks sort of like you... So full of pain, suffering... And with a dumb face!"

_At least I'm not yellow._ "So, we're going in?"

"Yeah," Tatl said, before thinking a bit and saying, "I'm sorry."

"For?"

"For helping steal your horse and stuff. I was just playing with ya, but it seems Skull Kid has taken it a bit too far. Since he got that mask, he's..."

"He's...?"

"Never mind, let's carry on".

After some walking, they reached a corridor that seemed to twist around, making one walk from the floor to the ceiling and around, while moving forward. Link couldn't help but feel he was moving into another dimension. After coming through a small hole, a steel door closed behind him and he found himself inside a clock tower. Before walking outside, he was interrupted by a voice...

**To be continued.**

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><p>Well, that's it for now folks. Don't forget to review!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3: Of Creeps and Masks

**A/N:** Well, no reviews. I was waiting for one to update, but oh well, screw it, I'm putting this chapter up. Like I said I was planning to do, I picked up chapters 3 and 4 from my PC and joined them, making this chapter 3 here. Around 3000 words total, seems somewhat more impressive. Well, enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** They own, I won.

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><p><strong>Chapter 3:<strong> Of Creeps and Masks

**Day X, Time Y, ?**

Link was scared. Who could it be, talking behind him with a real quiet voice, in a strange place he'd never been to, dark and smelly...

He slowly turned around as the voice said, "You seem to be troubled. May I he-"

POW!

Before the stranger could finish his question, he found himself with a huge bruise made by an uptight Deku Nut. Link started to run, but he was, again, stopped by the voice.

"AW! WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP HERE! DAMN!"

"I know your type... Pick up a lost boy that seems distraught, ask him what's wrong, play nice... And the next moment the poor boy's wrapped to a pole butt-naked and-"

"STOP!" Tatl interrupted, "You're giving me the chills! This mental image will be with me forever now, dumbass!"

"But it's true! My uncle said it once happened to him and-"

"HEY!" The man now said, "Can you listen to me? I'm no rapist! I'm just a mask salesman!"

"Mask... Salesman?" Both Link and Tatl voiced.

"Yes. And I was wondering, since you have a sword, a shield, and a wise partner... I was going to ask a favor."

"Erm... I'm kind of a Deku... No sword. You know me from before or something?" Link said. _How the hell did he know I was a human before? This guy is just digging his own grave here..._

"I know you from Hyrule. Happy Mask Shop, remember?"

"Oh." _Wait. I GAVE MONEY TO THIS GUY BEFORE? Fuck._

"So, can you hear my plea?"

"Sure... Why the heck not." Tatl said, seeming much more relaxed.

"So. I have this mask, called Majora's Mask... Well, had. Some dumbfuck made of wood and with a skull face stole it."

"Oh, heh heh heh, who could he be, huh?" Tatl said, seeming distraught. It was pretty obvious who it was.

"This mask was, long before, a prized possession of a certain tribe. They'd use it for rituals and such, but this mask has... A strange power."

"Strange... Power?" Link voiced, wondering. _I bet it's going to be one heck of a made-up, mumbo-jumbo story..._

"Whoever put it would instantly gain tremendous physical strength and magical might, and would be able to control pretty much all of the matter in this world."

"Seems... Nice... But isn't that good? We could have a governor, and he'd be more useful than Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

"Arnold Schwhatawhata?" Mask Man and Tatl said, confused.

"Nevermind." _Fourth wall breaking..._

"Anyway, this wasn't good, because there's one more trick to the mask: The user goes crazy."

"Crazy?"

"Yes. Mad. Nuts. Batshit. And this was a huge source of trouble. The leader banished the mask..."

_How do you banish a mask? Burning it?_

"... And everything was nice and stuff. I found the mask, unaware of what it did, and was planning on selling it at the shop."

_You mean you were going to sell your own brand of Apocalypse. Real smart, you._

"But that kid stole it and wore it. I chased him here, but he seemed too quick. Now, the bastard is going to make the fucking moon fall from the sky!"

"FROM THE SKY?"

"Yes! That's why I need that fucking mask back, and I need it in three days, before the moon falls, so I can leave this shit and break that mask apart!"

"Uh... So... Where do I fit?"

"You're going to find it for me!"

"Ah, yeah." _Of course. It's not like I'm made of wood and leaves, two-feet-high and WITHOUT ANY SORT OF WEAPON OTHER THAN SOME FUCKING NUTS!_

"So... Can you do it?"

"No."

"Did I mention I can turn you back to your human form?"

"I kinda like being small."

"... 50 Rupees."

"DEAL!" _This always works. And it's my way to take back the money I gave him back then._

"So, good luck! He's not far from here, I can tell. It's gonna be easy to catch him!"

"Um... Where are we?"

"This here's a parallel dimension. You're on Termina Land, and this here is the Clock Town, center of the land and national pro-"

"Right." _About the last thing I need to hear today is political banter._

"Believe in your strenghts... Believe...!"

"Go fuck yourself," Tatl said, after moments of quietness, "you're creepy."

After the nice dialogue, the two of them went through the door and to Clock Town.

**Day 1, Morning, Clock Town - South**

"So, what now?" Tatl asked.

"Well, we should search for the most likely spots first, like... Like..." Link said, turning speechless after being forced to think.

The town wasn't that big. It was divided in five areas: North, South, East, West, and, last but not least, the Laundry Pool. The south part hosted the famous Clock Tower, a not-so-enormous tower that shows the time and that contains a locked gate that only opens in a specific date. Aside from that, there was but a tower undergoing construction by some workers, the entrance to the other zones and an exit to Termina Field.

So many places.

"I think we should try and ask the loc-" Link said, moving towards a strange, yellow-colored plant. He was interrupted by a voice.

"STOP! STOP! !"

"WAH! What the..." Link screamed, scared. Looking to the skies, he saw a Deku carrying two huge bags flying in his direction. He approached Link, burrowed to the ground and then got half-out.

"Youse know," the Deku started, "dis here's my piece 'a land. Youse can't go snoopin' in here like dat unless youse have DA LAND DEED!"

"Get that filth outta my face! I'm sorry!"

"But, hey, I'm feelin' nice today. I may be able ta give my DA LAND DEED to youse... In exchange for sumtin'."

"Something...?" Tatl said.

_I don't like the way this is going... For the last 24 hours, all I've been hearing is rape innuendos..._

"Yea. Can be anything... SHINY. I like dose sparklin' pearly thingies, ya know. But it could be gold, too. Anything... SHINY."

"Ah... Sure, I'll come back if I find anything..."

"Ya do dat, boy. See ya 'round."

"..." Tatl stared, but then proceeded to ignore the Deku in order to keep the plan up.

"So, we better hurry. We have 3 days to get this shit ready."

"Yeah," Link agreed, "but we don't know where to look..."

"Why not try wandering around?"

"Yeah, why not..." _Why not call you an idiot for this idea too?_

"Okay, let's move north."

"North? Why?"

"I heard it from Skull Kid, but the Great Fairy lives in a chamber at the north part."

"Um... You could've said it before I ran into that nutcase."

"Yeah, I suppose..." Tatl said while giggling.

_Fucking Russi... Ack! Let's just move north..._

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Town - North**

After some walking, the duo reached the north section of Clock Town. The place wasn't that interesting, about the only thing that caught Link's eye was a huge balloon with a Majora's Mask drawing. There was, also, a boy trying (and failing) to pop it with a blowpipe. Not so further away, there was a cave, which Tatl recognized instantly as the Great Fairy's.

"Let's go, dumbfuck! Gotta get that mask back!"

"Wait." Link said, staring forward.

"What?"

"Those bushes. They bother me..."

And they were indeed bothering. Link saw a bunch of bushes forming a perfect circle and one in the center. What could this mean?

_Maybe these can lead to something..._ "HAAAAAAARRRGH!" Link screamed, cutting the grass away.

"Look! It's... Moving!" Tatl said, gazing. The grass started to whirl around, but then disappeared.

"..." The two of them stared, until Link broke the 20-minute silence. "Okay, that was just..."

"... A big waste of time," Tatl interrupted, "let's just go."

_When did she turn into the boss all of a sudden? Those socialists are so self-c... Okay, this is getting boring._

"Excuse me," Link said to the blowpipe kid, "but can I ask y-"

"DON'T BOTHER JIMMY!" The kid answered sharply, "JIMMY IS BUSY BLOWING BALLOONS!"

_Well excuuuuuuuuse me, princess._ "Ah, sorry to interrupt your... task, but I-"

"JIMMY. IS. BUSY! GO AWAY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"LOOK!" Tatl yelled, "We just want to know w-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

_The urge to force that pipe down this brat's throat is just so..._

"Tatl," Link said, "let's just go to the chamber."

"Okay..."

**Day 1, Afternoon, Great Fairy's Shrine**

After entering the cave, the pair soon found a huge and not-so-deep body of water surrounded by pillars. Link thought to himself that this was the place, and that everything would be OK. Tatl, on the other hand...

"GREAT FAIRY! NO!"

"I don't see a Great Fairy... All I see is a bunch of fairies."

"This can't... No... I don't... I..."

_Can you at least finish a goddamn sentence?_

"Hey, let's see here... HEY FAIRY," Link said, "WAZZUP?"

The fairies began to talk at the same time, bringing a plea.

"Please, hear us out... That Skull Kid broke me in pieces and took one of us away..."

"He broke you in pieces?" _Usually that expression is not to be taken literally..._

"Yes, and I've no idea of where this piece is... But it's in Clock Town... Please! Help me!"

"Why?"

"I can give you magic in return!"

"I'm no wizard."

"But you can shoot things from your nose!"

"I kinda already shoot Deku Nuts."

"... 100 Rupees."

"Sounds nice. Let's go, Tatl!" _Heh. Always works..._

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Town - North**

The day was getting busier and busier for Link and Tatl. They had four tasks arranged. One was to find the remaining "piece" of the shattered Great Fairy. Then, they had to find something shiny to get a Deku Flower's land deed. After that, they had to target Skull Kid and retreive the Majora's Mask. Last, but not least... Tatl was going to teach a lesson to one spoiled brat.

"This is it," the fairy said, looking at Link. "Blast away."

"Uh... All right." _I don't remember agreeing completely with this._

With his new bubble-shooting ability (acquired prematurely by a little... "persuasion"), Link felt like a new Deku. After testing it a thousand times and hitting everyone with it, he inspired Tatl to come up with a plan to make young Jimmy talk. He crouched behind a bush, turned his head and...

POW!

As expected, the bubble flew away and hit the balloon, bursting it. Jimmy turned, his eyes darting the area, searching for the offender.

"WHO DID THIS TO JIMMY"S BALLOON? WHO? COME HERE AND FACE JIMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

_My life to stop this bawling..._

"Hey there, Little Mister Waterworks," Tatl said, approaching the boy. "Feel like talking now?"

"JIMMY IS MAD! JIMMY KILLS RUSSIAN!"

_What the... Must be the weather. Yeah, it has to be._

"If you give us just a tiny bit of info, I'll let you go."

"JIMMY ONLY TALKS TO YOU IF YOU BEAT THE GAME!"

"Game? Look, I've had enough of-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Jimmy cried, now a bit forcedly, but still.

"Look! Please! Shut up!" Link said, tired of sitting back and watching.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

_Fuck. How can I make this kid stop... Hey!_ "I've got it!"

"What?" Tatl responded, still looking at the kid.

"I'll play."

"You will WHAT?"

"I'll play his game!" _But if it's tic-tac-toe, I'm quitting._

"Waaaaaa... Huh?" Jimmy stopped crying and then asked again. "You will play?"

"Yup. What will it be, kiddo?"

"DON"T CALL ME KIDDO!"

"OKAY, Mighty Master Of The Fucking Wet Eyes!"

"Huh? Um... Let's play... I know! Bombers!"

"Bombers?" _Is this kid from Al Qaeda or what?_

Suddenly, four boys dressed exactly as Jimmy (despite the fact that he wore red and they blue) rushed up to the scene. They stood on a row, turning around to show the back of their shirts. They were numbered 1 to 5, 1 being Jimmy, of course. They then gathered together and started to whisper something. After a good 15 minutes of whispers, Jimmy broke the silence.

"Scrub!"

"Wut?" Link said, unaware of what the kid had said.

"Let's play hide-and-seek!"

"Well, that's good. So, I get to count?"

"Yeah. You gotta find us 'till night, or you're going to lose! Good luck, loser! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha..." Jimmy said, while running towards the slider.

"Piece of cake," Link thought as he ran towards Jimmy.

The kid ran around and around pretty fast, giving Link a hard time, but eventually Jimmy got backed into a corner and was forced to sit.

"Awww! Now you gotta find the other four kids."

"Man!" Tatl yelled, obviously infuriated.

"Yeah?" Link answered while walking around.

"Why do we gotta play this stupid brat's game, anyway? You're a goddamn Hero Of Time, for crying out loud! Can't you just make him spill the beans? Use your goddamn sword for something!"

_Sword? I'm a fucking Deku... She's scary! And all this rambling... Must be PMS. Yeah, it has to be... But do fairies PMS? I think that's taking the whole gender thing a bit too f-_

Link's intriguing train of thought was interrupted by the noise of rustling grass near him. He drew closer, and out came one of Jimmy's friends, running away fast as light. Well, not so much, because Link spinned around and caught up with him.

"Awww! Three left!"

"Well, that has to be it for this area. Let's search elsewhere!" Tatl said, moving towards a gate. However, someone stopped her... A guard. Wearing a shiny silver armor that screamed "Bring it!" and a long spear, he moved sideways like a crab, blocking Link's way.

"Hey, hey! What's the big deal?" Link asked.

"Sorry, no going outside. It's dangerous."

"How so?"

"There are creatures."

"I'm a creature."

"There are rapists."

"I'm getting expert in avoiding them."

"There are winged thieves."

"I can burrow underground."

"..." The guard paused for a moment, but didn't move.

_And now, the money. Come on, be a nice guard and gi-_

"What?" The guard said, annoyed by Link's staring and smirking, "I'm not moving an inch."

_Damn! How did he...?_

"Move it. Now."

"Yes..." Link said, defeated, turning towards the gate to East Clock Town.

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Town - East**

Link and Tatl arrived at East Clock Town, searching frantically for any sign of a boy. They stopped in front of an inn, and decided it was time for a plan.

"Okay," Link started, "What to do?"

"Dunno," Tatl answered uncaringly, staring at the inn's logo. It read "Stock Pot Inn".

"What are you staring at?"

"Stock Pot Inn... Hmmmm... Does that mean they stock pot in here?"

_That's... A good question... Good-for-nothing, I guess. Hey!_

Link backed up a bit after hearing the sound of flapping wings. He looked at the inn's veranda, and there was a boy, THE boy, holding a chicken over his head and looking to the ground, ready to jump. Link, unnoticed by the boy, ran back to Tatl.

"Hey! I've got good news!"

"Baby, don't worry, about a thing..." Tatl was singing. Link shot a bubble at her to get her attention.

"...Is gonna be alrigh- HEY! What's the big idea?"

"I found him."

"The kid?"

"Yeah, but he's on top of us right now, holding a Cuckoo."

"Hmmm... Gotta corner him, but how?"

"I'll climb up there, and you'll wait down here. If he jumps, I want you to startle him, by any means."

"Gotcha".

Link opened the Stock Pot Inn's front door and went inside. Tatl waited outside, looking to see if a boy would fly past her. She could've sworn she heard someone say "Awww!", so she readied herself. A few minutes later, a Cuckoo slowly glided through the sky, carrying a boy...

"Where are you, Link?"

...

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD"

Link was holding the chicken tight, and trying to stay put.

_How do I make it land? Too slow, too slow! I'm afraid of heights, dammit! Come ooooon, you little feathered motherfucker!_

A good half-minute later, Link got to the ground, white as a sheet and breathing heavily. Tatl came to him, feigning concern but laughing profusely on the inside.

"You OK?" The fairy asked.

"Yeah," Link answered, trembling, "I've just been through the worst flight of my life since the Deku Flower thing, but I'm OK... I caught the boy."

"So, two more, huh?"

"Yup, and we've better hurry, it's already 5 o'clock. We've got an hour."

"OK, let's go! Wait..."

"What?"

"Over there! I see someone..."

And there indeed was someone. Up a ledge next to the gate that led to another gate to the outside world, there was a kid, watching the place. Link proceeded to run after him, climbing some stairs and then cornering him into a fence.

"Awww! Now there's only one left..."

"And we have a whole hour to find him, buddy." Tatl said in a superior tone.

"Let's move it, Tatl. You can be an arrogant bitch later-"

"WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? DON"T YOU DARE RUN!"

_Only way to make her move... But now I'm the one who has to hide!_

**To be continued...**


	4. Chapter 4: Bombers and Badassery

**A/N:** Well, this chapter has more or less the same word count Chapter 3 had, so, that'll be the pattern from now on.

Anyway, enjoy and review!

**Disclaimer:** Cookie. I KNOW, RIGHT? THEY'RE JUST SO NICE

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><p><strong>Chapter 4:<strong> Bombers and Badassery

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Town - South**

After finding four of the five little annoying brats, it was obvious by Link's expression that he was tired. Being smacked on pretty much all of the vital Deku body by an angry fairy didn't help much, either. But he had a mission... Or more than one.

"I just can't make heads of tails of all this." Link said, his tone monotonous.

"Heads and tails of what?" Tatl responded.

"We're being forced to chase kids, bring shiny objects to deed-propped Deku hobos, find stray fairies... For what purpose? I mean, we are supposed to be searching for a mask that destroys the world and shit, and yet here I am, playing hide-and-seek! We have not much time..."

"You're just being a bitch."

"After such a brilliant speech, is that all you have to say?"

"Yup."

_It's no use. PMS wins._

Wandering around by the South zone of Clock Town, Link eventually spotted a ledge that led to some sort of alley. Intrigued, he ran to the place, only to find a big pool, surrounded by grass and a wooden path-bridge, which was actually part of a house situated there. It had to be the Laundry Pool. Link was going to search for a boy, when...

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tatl yelled, shocked at something.

"HEY! GO YELL IN YOUR FUCKING MAMA'S EAR, YOU F-"

"It's... It's..."

_Man, is she going to stage all this drama every time she finds something?_

"... Link! It's the broken piece of the Great Fairy! It has to be!"

"Why?" "_Broken piece" is not the way I would have phrased it... I mean, pieces are supposed to mean objects... Not... Fairies._

"It's just like the other fairies we found in the cave!"

"Huh... So?"

"Go catch it, numbass!"

"But it's floating above the pool!"

"Oh..." Tatl sighed, then proceeded, "You do not know the first thing about being a Deku..."

_And this is a bad thing? I kinda didn't agree with this!_

"If you jump into the pool," Tatl explained in a mentor-like tone, "Your feet will feel some strange vibes coming from the water, and you'll start hopping around it!"

"You mean I get to be Jesus?"

"Uhhh... Yeah, but you have a five-hop limit, I think."

"Aww," Link said before looking at the pool, "It'll be alright, I'll give it a shot!"

Leaping into the water, Link started to bounce around, eventually falling into the water after the fifth hop. Tatl rescued him the first time, but after ten failed attempts, she left him to himself. Eventually, Link reached the "piece", who responded quickly:

"Oh, thank goodness! Now bring me to the cave right this instant!"

"Calm down, Ms. Yellow Floating Thing," Tatl said, "We're on it."

_Look who's talking!_

"In any case, Ms. Fairy Piece," Link continued, "I'm kind of running an... errand right now, so I would appreciate if you waited a bit."

"Oh well... I guess it can't be helped..." The fairy said, slightly annoyed. She then proceeded to hide under Link's hat.

"Hey!" Tatl barked, angry, "That's MY hiding spot!"

_How is my hat yours?_ "Well then", Link cut in, "Shall we find this last annoying brat? We have only 10 minutes before evening!"

"Move it, then!" The stray fairy said from under his hat.

_Great. If one fairy bossing me around wasn't enough..._

Moving away from the Laundry Pool, Link decided to give the South area a fair shake. Aside from preoccupied carpenters building a tower, a dog attacking Link, the same Deku that wanted "something... shiny", postboxes and a postman running like crazy and fumbling through the postboxes, they found nothing. So...

"Well, that's nice. We've got a good three minutes to find the kid, according to the clock." Link said, his head hung low in dismay.

"Hey... There's one place left to check." Tatl said, cheering Link right up.

"Where?"

"The West side."

"What could we find at Los Angeles?"

"THIS west, dumbfuck!"

"Ah! You mean West Clock Town!" _You could have elaborated a bit!_

"Yup. We haven't checked there, you know."

"True. Let's run!" Link shouted while making towards the stairs that led to that area.

**Day 1, Right when the sun starts thinking about sleeping, Clock Town - West**

As soon as they climbed the first set of stairs, our cute pair of kid-searchers looked around for any sign of a spoiled brat. The west area wasn't that impressive, it was mainly a spiral and elevated corridor, decorated by a bank and three shops, that led into a small area that mixed office buildings like the Post Office and the Lottery with common houses. Running along the stairs, Link and Tatl were looking around and deciding what to do after the kids were all gathered.

"Ten seconds! TEN SECONDS!" Tatl yelled, in a bossy tone.

"I'm on it, woman! Don't fucking rush me!" Link talked back, annoyed at his partner's earlier tone.

"And then we should get that shiny thing!"

"C'mon, we can find that anywhere! Just find him a fucking frying pan or else... Hey!" Link suddenly stopped. Looking around he found a kid sitting and staring at the entrance of the Swordsman School, which was next to the gate.

"Found you!" Link shouted, startling the kid.

"Waah!" The kid yelped and made to run, but Link dove at him in a ninja-like way, sharp yell included. After catching the little one with only three seconds left, Link couldn't help but grin at this movie-like moment.

"Stop daydreaming!" Tatl snapped, "We gotta go to the North with the kid!"

"Awww..." The kid muttered, defeated, while the pair went along.

**Day 1, Evening, Clock Town - North**

The sky had already been tainted purple, with the faint light of the few stars that rose upon the sky casting small shadows on objects around. Meanwhile, our favorite pair stood in front of a 5-boy group, waiting for their quest to move along.

_Ok, now what? Gotta think of that shiny thing, then I should return the fairy piece to the Great Fairy's Fountain, and then... Well, the Ocarina, for one. My horse, and the Majora's Mask... Whew... Seems like it's far from over._

"Link," Tatl said, interrupting his train of thought, "These kids want to tell us something, so listen!"

_Well, sorry for caring about our journey._

"So... Um... Scrub!" Jimmy said, "You completed our quest, and I was going to give you our prize but..."

"But...?" _I don't like the way this is headed. If all this time I've been chasing a "congratulations", I'm impaling myself in a tree._

"We can't prize any other being but humans," Jimmy said, looking down.

"What exactly is this prize?" Tatl asked.

"Well, we'd make you a member of our group, the Bombers Secret Society of Justice, for one..."

_So THAT's what he meant by Bombers! Whew..._

"... And we'd give you a notebook, but... We already had a non-human member recently, and the results..."

"Huh? Results?" Link asked, intrigued.

"Did he fail in a mission or what?" Tatl prompted.

"Fail? The guy went totally batshit! As soon as we let him into our secret hideout, he took a path and wrecked our base, our telescope... He then went to the top of Clock Town and made some crazy spell, which set the moon to fall within three days!"

"Is... That... Well... Um..." Link stuttered, trying to make sense of it all. _Is that why the moon has got a face? And not any kind of face... It looks like Saria when I found her diary._

"But lookie, I won't leave you with your bare hands. Here's our secret code for the secret base!"

"Code?" Tatl asked.

Just then, the Bombers started to run around. Then, they stopped in a row, back facing our heroes in a special order. The number was "54123".

"Here," Jimmy said, "Write it down and remember to say it to our guard."

"Those guys sure are organized for a bunch of kids," Tatl said.

"Yeah, I'm kinda scared myself..."

"Well, we gotta go now. Thanks for the fun!"

"You're welcome, brat," Tatl said, joking around.

"Watch it! And, umm... The Bombers' Secret Society Of Justice Forever!"

"Errrr, what?" Link asked, looking puzzled.

"Nevermind," Jimmy said before going back to his blowpipe.

Link and Tatl then stopped and started brainstorming. The afternoon was over, and the sky was already dark. The wind blew in the direction of the Great Fairy's cave, reminding Tatl of something...

"Hey! Listen!"

"Wut?"

"We don't have time for this! We gotta deliver the fairy piece, pronto!"

"Yes, Your Honor..."

"Quit it and move!"

"DON'T RUSH ME!"

The duo then made to the cave, close to the end of a crazy first day.

**Day 1, Evening, Great Fairy's Shrine**

After what had been a crazy but fruitful day, Link and Tatl were indeed tired. The Great Fairy's Shrine, however, seemed to have some effect against the fatigue, its mystical aura more and more mysterious along the cave's depths. As they approached the fountain, Link's hat suddenly started to bulge...

"Let me out this instant!" The voice under the hat said.

"Huh? Who's that?" Link said, looking up.

"The fairy piece! Remember?"

"Whoa! Err, umm, sorry!" _I totally forgot she was inside my hat!_

"You let me go now, young Deku!"

"Ok, ok, ok, I'm sorry! Go!" _Yeesh, what a drama queen! My hat's pretty clean!_

The fairy got out of the depths of Link's well-cleansed hat and started to mingle with the other fairy pieces. Suddenly, they started to gather and shine, disappearing into the water and coming back in the form of a flash of light and, after a while...

"Wow..." Link said, amazed.

"It's..." Tatl voiced, as amazed as Link was.

"A very nice-looking lady..."

"Hey!" Tatl shouted, before striking Link, "Don't talk like that about the... Great... Fairy..."

The form that appeared before them was indeed "nice-looking"; a huge woman, clad in short, yet mystical clothes and showing around a good portion of a pinkish-red hair stood before them, smiling, her mouth-mole dancing according to the facial expressions.

"Well, well... So you are the one who brought me back to my original form, hmm?" The Great Fairy asked, looking directly into Link's empty, wooden eye sockets.

"Ahh... W-well I... Err... U-umm..."

"O Great Fairy, forgive my partner, for he does not know what he talks about," Navi said, hovering around Link.

_She's not Jesus!_

"Yeah, well I actually -" Link started, before being cut off by the "Great One".

"Yes, I know, I was there inside your hat! I was just fooling around!"

"Ah... Is that so? Heh heh..." _How can one small annoying thingy turn into such an influent being?_

"Well, I will now present you with the ability to shoot bubb-"

"Actually," Link interrupted, "I, uhh... You already taught me how to."

"But this is against the rules! I didn't have enough power to do it!"

"Well," Tatl said, "Money makes the world turn, yeah?"

_And you say you're not a tycoon?_

"Well, I guess there's nothing for me to do but pray for your success. Find that Skull Kid who broke me and make him pay!"

"You bet, lady!" Link said, less nervous.

A flash of determination hit Link's eyes. Could it be? He was actually... Having... Fun?

_Well... No choice then..._

"Let's go, Tatl! Last one to the Bombers' Hideout will marry a Goron and get a humping from it!"

"WAAH!" Tatl shouted, floating as fast as she could to catch up with Link.

**Day 1, Evening, Clock Town - East**

Going through the North-East gate, Link and Tatl found themselves in front of an alley guarded by a kid wearing yellow clothes, which shone brightly against the dark night that slowly engulfed the peaceful town.

"Excuse me, coming through..."

"Hey! Hey! Stop, mister!" The kid shouted, stopping Link, "You can't pass. This is the Bombers' Hideout!"

_I wouldn't go shouting around this kind of phrase... People might take it the wrong way..._

"What's wrong?" Tatl said, slightly annoyed.

"You gotta say the code to enter!"

"Um... Sesame?"

"Nope."

"Sparta?"

"No."

"Wait!' Link said, before reading a piece of paper and then shouting, "54123!"

"Hey, that's it! Are you a Bomber?"

"Sort of."

"Well, anyway, come inside. Beware of the Skulltulas!"

"Skultullas?" Tatl froze, remembering. The Skulltulas were creatures that inhabited Hyrule. They came about in all kind of sizes, to the small, fast and nimble, wall-crawling Skullwalltula to the generic, big and scary Skulltula. Those wicked creatures had, to make matters worse, their whole front shielded. They shared the same obvious weakness, though: their backs were not covered. Sneak up to it from behind, and BAM! The monster was gone. But nevertheless, Tatl still held a strong phobia...

"WE'RE NOT GOING INSIDE TODAY I'M SORRY HEHEHEHEHEHE SORRY REALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I KINDA HAVE A PLACE TO GO HIHIHIHIHI"

"What are you-" Link tried to ask before being dragged away - by a fairy.

"DON'T ASK!"

"Hey, hey. Let go of me!" Link yelled, then proceeded to perform a spin attack and free himself of the fairy's 'grasp', "You can sort out your phobias later. We got a hideout to explore!"

"But I... Oh, what the hey. Let's just go, then."

**Day 1, Evening, Bombers' Hideout**

The place looked like a hideout alright; gray, shady brick walls surrounded the place, except for the floor, which was actually lacking; most of the 'ground' was actually a water reservoir, exposing the former nature of the Hideout: a sewer. Link, using his water hops wisely, managed to cross the deep parts of water, and, eventually, him and Tatl reached a large corridor divided in two "lanes", a watery, yet shallow one and a brick one, just like the walls.

_Well, this water smells kinda funny. I don't want to get too soaked on it. Let's just take the brick path for n-_ "YEEEEEAAARRGH!"

Link yelled, along with Tatl, as he was struck from a Skulltula from above; the creature was hanging from what looked like a net cable, like those from _Spider-Man_, and growled menacing while Link got slowly up from the ground.

"L-Li-Liiiink... Let's g-get outta here... PLEASE!" Tatl pleaded, but to no avail. The wooden hero just stood there, staring at the Skulltula. "LINK! I'M TALKING TO YOU! LINK! HEY! LISTEN! HEEEEY!"

"Cut the FUCKING crap," Link hissed, "And wait."

"What are you going to do? Stare at it until it sleeps?"

"No. Just wait two more seconds..."

_NOW!_

The spider, then, for some reason, growled and turned around, baring its back to Link. He didn't second-guess himself; the bubble that came out of his nose hit the Skulltula's back, and he just watched as the aracno-beast crashed to the ground.

"... The hell was that?" Tatl managed to say, absolutely suprised by Link's moment of badassery.

"Former experience. Those bitches used to appear all the time back in Hyrule."

"W-well I know that, but I just didn't..."

"Well, whatever. Let's move on." _Man, now I know why she bosses me around so much. It sure feels good when you're the one who call the shots._

After the corridor, they were led into a small room with some vases and a ladder, which could be easily climbed if there wasn't a Skull Kid balloon floating right at the middle of it.

"Look," Link pointed out, "A ladder!"

"Are you sure it is not a step-ladder?"

"... Um, it's a ladder."

"Oh, you're right. Sorry, I kinda spaced out there."

_Why does that dialogue feel overused and familiar?_ "Well, anyway, let's just blast this here..."

"Are you comfortable with blatsing everything like that? It's not your property, you know."

"Bitch," Link glared at Tatl, "I've broken into God knows how many houses in my time, breaking boxes and vases and stealing money and Cuccoos, I've been killing all kinds of creatures outside any legal hunting area, I have also been wandering around a land that's not even my home without any kind of passport, and I have not even seen a single piece of a fucking courtroom. You really want to cry "property" and "laws" here?" _Wow. I hope this badass streak keeps running..._

"I'll just wait over here then..." Tatl said, somewhat offended.

Nevertheless, Link burst the balloon, and the two climbed the ladder, curious as to where they would wind up next.

**... To be continued.**


	5. Chapter 5: Strange People

**A/N**: Folks, I'm sorry for the major delay. Life has been pulling me away from the WordPad and also I think I'm getting writer's block here, although I'm not sure. Because of that, this chapter may seem kinda rushed, and boy did I bust my head writing this.

Anyways, there it is. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer**: Right now I own a headache. A really nasty one.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5:<strong> Strange People

**Day 1, Night, Bombers' Hideout**

Unnoticed by our heroes, currently inside the Bombers' Hideout, the evening matured into a full-moon (quite) night, announcing that the time for Day 1 was creeping towards an end. However, their quest still forced them to move on, whatever the time. Sleep could wait.

As the ladder ended, Link looked around and found himself in a total contrast to what he'd seen so far. The room before him was quite colorful, with stairs leading up and a scarecrow right in front of him, who proceeded to introduce himself:

"HAY DAHLING," the rather... eccentric straw figure shouted, gleefully, "WHO ARE YOU CUTIES?"

"Um... I-I, er..." Link was obviously overwhelmed.

"We're looking for a telescope," Tatl cut in for his partner, "Do you know anything about it?"

"TEHLESCOPE? MAH BOI!"

_She's a girl!_

"WOULDN'T YOU SWEETIES RATHER ENJOY ALL THIS COLOUR? IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! IT LOOKS LIKE THE ROOM IS BLOOMING! OOOH, YES! BLOOMING! IT'S PREEEE-AAA-TTTYYYY!"

_If he starts singing, I'll-_

"OOOOOOOH I THINK I'LL SING! CARE TO JOIN ME, SWEETIE PIES? ONE, TWO, THREE! IT'S RAINING M-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!" Link shouted, halting the scarecrow's emotional momentum.

"Aw, you're no fun, sweetie!" it answered, with a normal voice this time.

"I don't want fun," Tatl said flatly, "I want the telescope."

"Upstairs, dahling! Just follow these BEAUTIFUL STAIRS WITH SUCH INTENSE COLORS, OH, IT'S-"

"FUCK COLORS! Just go away!"

"Awwww, OK. But hey, wanna learn a s-"

"No!" Link shouted, exasperated. _Bet he was going to teach me how to play Y.M.C.A. if I had my Ocarina._

Moving on, Link and Tatl climbed the stairway to the top of the Hideout - which was, looking out of the window that greeted them, actually at the ground level of Clock Town - and there, they found what they were looking for alright: a huge telescope, and an old man beside it.

"Who are you?"

"Don't matter. Telescope." Tatl said quickly, tired of explaining everything to everyone.

"Now I can't have any more kids messin' around with my telescope, ya know! The other day, I tell ya, those Bombers brought a strange kid, such an ill-mannered brat, I tell ya! And it almost broke the lens of my here baby, ya know! Why that reminds me of back in the day where kids actually had respect for their eld-"

"Can I get you a Viagra or something to make you shut up?" Link hissed, glaring at the elder.

"Nah. I'm good, I tell ya. You can have a look. The kid is probably up there in the Clock Tower."

_Skull Kid, huh? Let's peek around..._

Aside from a Deku vendor flying around with some bags full of merchandise, Link wasn't finding anything.

"Well? Found him?" Tatl demanded, impatient.

"Wait, hang on." _Oooooh, lookie here. There's a Deku Baba looking around for something. And that is a... Bombchu? Well, something like that... And it's heading towards the Baba... Hey! No! Don't eat it, stupid, it's a b- OW, HAHAHAHAHA, HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE, DEKU BABA! HAHAHAHA, oh man, this is so much f-_

"FOUND HIM?"

"Wah! Mercy! I'm sorry!" Link snapped out and accidentally pushed a button, which activated the scope's zoom feature. "Hey... I think I saw him! There! At the top! Tatl, zoom in some more!"

Skull Kid was there alright, dancing around. He seemed to notice the lens pointed at him, because he started to taunt Link. Then, he looked up, as did Link with the scope's lens. The moon's ugly face dropped what looked like to be a tear.

_The moon's crying? Why is every single thing PMSing around here, man? Seriously, hormones these d- WHAT THE HEY?_

The tear, which was more like a meteorite, crashed onto the ground just outside the observatory, making a huge noise and shaking the ground. When Link got up, he quickly pointed the lens at the Skull Kid once more, only to see him shake his behind and disappear.

_THAT SON OF A MERRY BITCH! Who does he think he is to wave his ass around like that? Kim Kardashian?_

"What's he doing, Link?" Tatl asked, concerned with Link's angry face.

"Nevermind," he answered, "Kid's already gone."

"Well let's see what happened outside then! Move on, jackass!"

"..." Link stood there, looking at Tatl, still looking bitter.

"... What?"

_... Somehow I knew she was going to go back to bossy mode._

**Day 1, Night, Termina Field**

A starry night greeted our heroes as they stepped outside the observatory into what seemed to be some sort of courtyard. From there, all the fences still made Termina Field, the mainland of Termina, visible in all its beauty.

"Well, what do we have here?" Tatl said nonchalantly, while floating around what seemed to be a shining stone.

"What DO we have? It's... A teardrop?"

"Well, it is shaped like one... It sure is shining!"

"Shining... Why does that ring a bell?" _Hold on. Hmm... It has to do with shining things... I'm looking for something... Something... Well, something..._

"... What's wrong, Link?"

"Something... We're looking for something..."

"... SHINY." They said in unison as Link tucked the jewel under his vest.

"Well," Link sighed, relieved, "That's one more for the score."

"What's next?"

"Well, we're more than done with the Bombers, we reassembled the Great Fairy, found the shiny jewel for the Deku hobo... I guess all we have to do is find and screw the Skull Kid."

"But where is he? I thought he had disappeared!"

"Not quite," Link said, now looking at the Clock Tower, far away, "I caught a glimpse of him going inside the Clock Tower from the ceiling. He must be at the top."

"Well..." Tatl muttered, floating around him.

"Let's call it quits for today, Tatl. We can sort this out tomorrow, it will still be the second day and the kid's going nowhere."

"Link..." Tatl, again, muttered, startled by Link's "badass-jackass" personality swings.

"Come on. We gotta sleep." Link said, going inside to negotiate with the old man.

_... Also, I gotta jack off. It's been hours!_

**Day 2, Morning, Bombers' Hideout - Observatory**

As soon as he heard the cry of a Cuckoo, Link got out of the makeshift bed he had laid out on the floor and went outside. Morning greeted him with a fair weather, the sounds of nature announcing the beggining of a new day. As he stood daydreaming, the wind blew, as if warning that the picture could change.

"Morning," Tatl said, lazily getting out of Link's hat.

_I wonder how it's like to sleep inside of a hat that has not seen a single laundry for more than a year._ "Hey there," Link answered, "You up for today?"

"I think so. What's the plan?"

"First of all we should bring that stone to the hobo." _And if he refuses, I'm going to show him how 'shiny' my bubbles can be._

"Guess you're right. Well, what are you waiting for? Move it!"

"DON'T RUS- oh, why do I even bother..."

**Day 2, Morning, Clock Town - South**

As soon as they were making their way to the Deku Flower situated near the Clock Tower entrance, Link felt something touch his wooden forehead. Intrigued, he looked up at the sky and did not like what he had just seen.

"Rain! Damn it! How can this be?"

"Well, there WERE some clouds on the sky..."

"But it was such a beautiful sky! How dare those damn clouds ruin it!"

"Well, don't be a bitch about it. You're not the only one that's going to get wet."

"What do you mean?"

"Over there," Tatl said, floating towards a man dressed in quite... interesting clothes; a red hat, a plain white tunic and sandals, along with a red bag. He looked pretty distraught by the rain, but, nevertheless, he made his way, slowly running - more like marching - towards a mailbox near the Laundry Pool.

_The fuck is that? A Roman firefighter?_

Link then made his way towards the man to ask him some questions.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"YAH"

"WHOA!" Link shouted, flinching at the man's cry, "What's wrong?"

"YAH"

"Listen, can I as-"

"YAH"

_What are you, a samurai?_

"Link," Tatl said, "I think that's about enough info from this guy."

"Yeah... Such brilliant pointers he's giving." _The people I find here sure make me feel like I'm in an 'alternate dimension'._

When Link and Tatl approached the Deku Flower, they did not need to wait any longer; the Deku's head popped out of the hole, his gaze set at his fellow Deku companion.

"Yo," the hobo said, "Youse need sumtin'?"

"Actually-" Tatl started, only to be silenced again by voices coming from within the flower.

"Wait a sec, there. Be back in a jiffy."

"... Oddball." Link said, puzzled.

"Yeah, I wonder what's up with him."

"He just left without even telling what w-"

"SHUT YER TRAP, WOMAN!" The two could hear the hobo's yelling from the insides of the flower. "AIN'T NONE O' YA BUSINESS! GO BACK TO MAKIN' DAT DAMN PANCAKE! WHAT? WHADDYA SAY? AIN'T NO BUSTY BLONDE WOMAN AT DE DOOR! DA FUCK IS YER PROBLEM?"

_Well, I'm blonde, just not... Busty. I hope._

"Why are you squeezing your chest?" Tatl said, staring at a surprised Link.

"Nothing!" _Gah! I should be more careful!_

"Hey, now you tell m-"

Tatl, however, was interrupted by the Deku, back from inside, now full-body out.

"Can you people let me finish a goddamn sentence?" Tatl shouted, glowering at the Dekus.

"Sorry bro," the hobo said to Link, not even acknowledging the fairy's presence, "Just solving sumkinda pipe problem down dere."

_Yeah, yeah, "pipe" indeed. Must be your wife's windpipe._ "Do you keep a house inside that flower?"

"Sure do. Dis ain't no ordinary flower like dose you're used to seein' 'round here. Dis here is a YELLOW FLOWA. Deeper 'n a throat."

"What? 'Deeper than a throat'?" Tatl cut in.

_Don't explain don't explain don't explain don't explain_

"... And since it's deep, it means ya can fly higher. Wanna give it a spin, yo?"

"Well, I don't mind..."

"Then you need DA LAND DEED."

"Oh yeah." _He did it on purpose!_

"Gotta give me shine, boy. Where's them grillz?"

"Here it is," Link said, showing the Moon's Tear to the Deku.

"OOOOOOH BOY! DAT'S SOME SHINE! I LIKE DAT! HERE'S DA DEED!"

"Glad you like it." Link said, while tucking away the land deed to the flower. The Deku burrowed back underground, and then Link could hear some scuffle deep down.

"I'M GONNA BLIND YA, WOMAN!"

_Wait, that's why he wanted a shiny object? I hope I'm not tried as his accomplice if he does it!_

Suddenly, a female Deku figure popped out, flying away and hanging at her Deku flowers for dear life while the hobo gave chase, eventually catching up to her outside Clock Town.

"Let's go, Link. I don't want to see how this ends..."

"Me neither. Just give me a sec here..." Link said, while preparing to launch. As he spun around and went down inside the flower, Tatl overheard two of the workers - who were helping with the building across the Clock Tower - talking to each other. Getting closer, she heard the men say:

"Listen, I don't give a damn. You can say whatever you like, but there's no way you can be right."

"Why not? You know I'm always right!"

"Do you think this is some trifling matter? This is serious! You can't go around claiming this kind of stuff! We're talking about a subject that involves our very pride!"

"But that's why I'm claiming that! I tell you, maybe it can do us good!"

"NO! It won't!"

Tatl wondered what sort of things they could be discussing with such seriousness and gusto. Maybe they're up to no good? She was going to ask them a couple of questions. Running through her wits to find the right questions, she made her way towards the men...

"I think a change was already natural, the process was just sped up."

"THERE IS NO WAY THAT _TWO AND A HALF MEN _WILL BE GOOD WITHOUT CHARLIE SHEEN! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I REPEAT MYSELF!"

... Tatl stood there, looking dumbstruck. She listened to some more of their banter and even got some good info, but when she was trying to make sense of it all, a noise startled her: the rustling of leaves, and then...

''OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD NOT AGAIN"

"LINK?" Tatl yelled to Link, who was floating waaaaay above her.

_I didn't think it would go THIS high! That's higher than that time I drank Blue Potion and had a mushroom! Seriously, I wanna get down! There!_

Tatl gave meaning to the phrase _Rolling On The Floor Laughing_ while Link landed on a platform just above the main entrance of the Clock Tower. In front of him, he saw a door.

"Hey, yellow clown," he shouted towards Tatl, "The hell's this?"

"T-that's..." Tatl said, trying to regain her composure, "... The door to the top floor of the Clock Tower."

"! Is that where the Skull Kid is in?"

"Yes it is."

"THEN LET'S GET IN! Wait... Where do you open it?"

"Oh, I forg-"

"Ah! I remember! The A Button, right? Now where is that little blue son of a..."

"STOP IT! LINK, I'M SERIOUS, STOP!" Tatl panicked, then relaxed when she got Link's attention, "I overheard the workers down here saying that the door only opens at midnight on the day of the Carnival of Time."

"Carnival of... Time?" _A bunch of clocks and watches parading together?_

"Yeah. It's kind of a long story."

"... And you're not gonna tell me?"

"No."

_Well aren't we blunt._ "So, when is it?"

"I heard it's the third day, since in Termina the days only start at six o' clock in the morning..."

_That style should be adopted worldwide. Period._ "Well we have to wait some more then, right?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm... What should we do then?"

"Maybe we should visit Stock Pot Inn." Tatl said, her whole form shining more strong.

"... I won't sustain this addiction of yours." Link said, turning his back and making his way to East Clock Town.

**... To be continued.**

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><p><strong>AN:** I'm feeling really lonely right now. I could use a hug. Or some reviews. Or maybe both.


	6. Chapter 6: Don't Forget to Eat Lunch

**A/N: **Well, that's unexpected. Here I was, thinking I'd never come anywhere near this story ever again in my life, and now I'm writing a new chapter three years afterwards.

I may feel as weirded out as you guys, but let's soldier up and get through this initial awkwardness. Reviews are, as always, highly appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **Do I even have to do this? I'm running out of disclaimer jokes

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><p><strong>Chapter 6: <strong>Don't Forget to Eat Lunch

**Day 2, Afternoon, Stock Pot Inn**

The clocks marked the beginning of the afternoon, their strange pointers indicating that it was already 12:00 PM. As our heroes entered the Stock Pot Inn, they took in the lobby's appearance. The place was reasonably small, though it was a two-story building. The lobby was as simple as could be, with a front desk – and the clerk, tiredly staring at Link and Tatl, as if warning them that they shouldn't even bother – to the left and a waiting couch to the right, with a few (and very creepy) tribal masks hanging on the wall above. Straight ahead from the door, a corridor that split in two, one leading to the back hallway – nothing more than the kitchen, a couple of non-guest rooms and a bathroom – and another leading to the staircase for the second floor, where the "vast" array of three rooms were located, one of them being the employees' room.

Link headed to the front desk, ignoring the clerk's bored-as-hell face, Tatl alongside him, floating around his hat.

"Excuse me, miss, I was hoping if you could spare me a room?"

"Yeah, like I have a goddamn choice…" she muttered, annoyed.

_Jeez, so much for people skills._

"Do you have a reservation or something…?" again, sounding annoyed, the clerk asked, not bothering to look at Link.

"No, actually, I just arriv—"

"Well sorry, no rooms then. Both rooms are filled."

"What? By who?"

"Are you kidding me…? I can't tell you that."

"Look," Tatl intervened, "we came from very far away, we just want a place to stay, for the night, maybe you could spare a makeshift room or something…"

"Christ, I told you, there are NO. ROOMS. AVAILABLE! Get the fuck away from here!" the clerk suddenly snapped, startling Link and Tatl.

_What the hell was THAT for?! _"Hey, hey, calm down! Jeez! Sorry for asking for service, you know!"

"Whatever, Link," Tatl bitterly said, "Let's just get out."

"Wait," the clerk interrupted, "your name is… Link?"

"Yeah, why? You gonna snap at my name too?" _You bitch._

"Oh holy mother of… That Goron took me for a ride… Son of a—"

"'That Goron'? Look, lady, what is going on?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Link, it appears I have made a small mistake."

_Aside from not going to a psychologist yet?_

"You see, I had a reservation here for a Mr. Link, for the middle room, the Knife Chamber. A Goron showed up claiming to be you and took the reservation."

"Oh." _Why would a Goron be here anyway? This stinks like last week's lunch. I should have a chat with this guy. But I never made a reservation…_

"Just a moment, I am going to sort this out. Please, make yourself at home…"

"Link, that lady is whacked out," Tatl stated.

"Oh yeah, she is. But hey," Link asked, "did you make a reservation here? Because I sure as hell didn't."

"No, I don't know about that either…"

The two of them stopped talking after hearing loud noises from the floor above. Link went to the stairs to check things out, only to be hit by a rolling Goron.

"DON'T YOU EVER SHOW UP HERE AGAIN, YOU LOWLIFE SCUM, PIECE OF SHIT!" the clerk screamed, waving a broom around.

"I keep telling you!" the Goron stated, about to burst into tears, "my name is really Li—"

"DON'T START THIS AGAIN! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY INN!"

_Is the inn really yours, miss?_

"Oh all right then!" a tearful Goron uncurled from his ball state, picked his blue hat from the floor and dragged his feet out of the door, carrying a heavy backpack along.

_God damn it! The guy really had a reservation here and I just had his ass kicked for no reason! I am a monster! I have to help him!_

"Here you are, sir. This is your room key," the clerk politely said, handing Link the key to the Knife Chamber room.

"Look, actually, I—" Link started, only to be cut off by the clerk.

"No no no! Don't mention, it. I'm sorry you had to witness that and go through all that trouble. As a compliment from the house, I will put a silver rupee chest in your room shortly."

"I, um… thanks." _Yeah, you know what? Fuck Gorons. I still haven't forgotten Darunia beating me around all the time._

"My name is Anju. If you need anything, you give me a shout. Okay? Also, we have complimentary bottles, should your fairy need to rest."

"Why would I rest in a bottle, of all places?!" Tatl angrily said, while Link just whistled and cut in, "Well, shall we?"

"I will go ahead and prepare your room, Mr. Link. Feel free to have a look around the inn, if you wish," Anju said, taking her leave

"Link, maybe we should check out the back hallway and see if there's something we can find to help us fight the Skull Kid."

"Um, here? In this inn?"

"Who knows, man! Just get on with it already!"

"DON'T R—"

"YES I WILL RUSH YOU! NOW GO!" Tatl shouted, dragging Link by his wooden nose.

_I guess Anju's not the only lady around who needs to see a doc!_

Heading for the hallway, Link entered the first room he saw, right as he entered the hallway. Inside, an old lady sat in a rocking chair next to a fireplace.

"Oh, Tortus," the old lady said, "have you not eaten yet, child?"

"What?" Link asked, confused.

"Now now, Tortus. You should know that the Great Fairy does not give away candy to boys who do not eat!"

"Oh my lord…" Tatl stated in dismay, then asked, "Excuse me, are you senile?"

"Oh! Tortus, that is a very shiny dog you have with you there! Why, I'd never expect you to take to animals!"

_A dog?! This is beyond senile! This woman is crazy! Every woman in this inn is completely insane!_

"Very well, Tortus. Do you want me to tell you a story? I know you like them, so I brought two books with me today."

_Yeah, I'll take a rain check on that, I'm not much for stories myself._

"Story?" Tatl asked.

"Would you like me to read the Four Giants for you? Or the Carnival of Time?"

"C-carnival…" Link started, "Yes! Please!"

"Oh, well, if you have to…" Tatl stated, bored, going into Link's hat.

The old lady picked up a book, opened it, and started as Link sat on the carpet, ears sharp.

"Once upon a time…"

_Yes! Yes! I'll finally make some headway into this whole thing! Maybe if I get to know this Carnival of Time, I'll figure out a way of… stopping… the Skull…_

…

**Day 2, Evening, Stock Pot Inn**

"Why, Tortus! Did you fall asleep?" the old lady said to a groggy Link, who, after a few seconds, jumped to his feet.

"Wha— wh— fu— hey!" _I fell asleep! Goddamn it! I can't believe this!_

"This is what happens to children who skip their lunch!"

"T-tell me the story again!" Link pledged, "this time I'll stay awake!"

"Very well, Tortus. Once upon a time…"

…

**Day 2, Night, Stock Pot Inn**

"Tortus, you fell asleep again! Maybe you should head to bed, hmmm? There's always tomorrow for more stories!"

"What the fuck?! This can't be real!" _Is this book laced with something? I was wide awake there!_

Link headed out of the room, defeated.

_Maybe I'll just go rest like she told me…_

"So, Sleeping Beauty," Tatl said, now out of his hat again, "what's the plan?"

"You're so funny", Link replied dryly, then said, "maybe we should go back to our room and crash there, and tomorrow we'll fuck around a bit until the gate opens."

"Sounds like a plan," Tatl agreed, "let's go to our Knife Chamber then."

"I just hope we're not taking a… stab in the dark here," Link so cleverly joked, receiving a bumping in the head from Tatl as his response.

The duo climbed the stairs, passed a door that led to the terrace (where one of the Bombers was hiding during the hide-and-seek game), then passed another door labeled "Employees Only", and then, by the middle of the corridor, they finally found the Knife Chamber.

As soon as they entered, they felt stabbed alright – even though they were staying for free, that room was just too much. The bed had a mattress which was ripped in many places, a fireplace that lit up about half an inch in front of it, a dirty window and a cracked wall that let in all of the noises from the employees' room.

"Damn," Tatl could only manage to say.

"This is definitely the worst room I've ever had to sleep in, and I spent my life sleeping on a wooden log in a tree house", Link commented as well.

"At least the chest is there, as promised."

Link opened the chest, finding a silver rupee inside, as promised. Rupees were the national Hyrule currency, and for Termina it seemed likewise. A silver one was worth 100 rupees, which is nothing to sneeze at.

"Ehh, well, let's get our asses in bed already," Link said.

"You mean you get your ass in bed and I get my pretty little backside inside your hat."

"Whatever floats your boat, Russian."

"What?"

"Sweet dreams!"

As nighttime finally crept in completely around Termina, our heroes fell into a deep slumber. As well-deserved as the rest was, the fact is that the giant, monster-faced moon above them did not sleep. And was quietly – but surely – on its way to touch all.

**Day 2, Midnight, Stock Pot Inn**

"… did not get my item?"

"… of Healing…"

_Huh?_

"… back into your human…"

_What is…_

"… Ocean. Canyon…"

"… then try to stop it!"

_Skull… Kid… ?_

"… remember the Song of Time…"

_Zelda!_

"WHAAAAA—" Link sharply got up from bed, sweating a bit. His two consecutive naps during the old lady's storytelling did his body no good, and flashes of people and loose phrases hindered his deep resting state.

_Huh, I managed not to wake Tatl up. Better leave my hat in the porch._

Getting up, he looked around and decided he wasn't in the mood for sleeping anymore. Opening the door to the hallway, he paused for a moment to think of something to do.

_Well, I'll swing by the bathroom first, nature is calling. Then I'll maybe just wander around town, see if I catch any more interesting characters._

As he got very quickly to the bathroom and readied himself to make use of the inn's facilities, he was suddenly surprised. From the depths of the toilet (which, really, was more of a indent in the center of a wooden platform), out came an entire arm.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS"

"YEAAAAOOOW!" a voice shouted from inside the toilet, and then pledged, more timidly, "pa-paper, please!"

"Jesus fucking Christ what are you?! Why is an arm talking to me?! Am I still stuck in that dream?!"

"PA-PAPERRRRRRR!" the "arm" shouted, startling Link again.

"GAH! SHIT! TAKE YOUR STUPID PAPER THEN!" Link panicked, throwing the land deed for the yellow flower at the toilet. After it fell deep within the entrails of the "system", the mysterious arm twisted around, the hand giving Link a thumbs up.

"YE-EY", the arm shouted, and then went down, never to surface again.

_My god… this is… fuck… I-I got to get out of this place…_

Link left the bathroom and made his way out of the inn, through the set of stairs to his left and then through the gate from East to North Clock Town, still running away from the accursed establishment.

**Day 2, Midnight, Clock Town – North**

As he finally stopped spinning madly around, Link came to a halt after he almost bumped an individual standing by the slide. He had a very happy face and was fidgeting with his arms side to side, all smiles and such.

Almost _too_ much smiles.

"Hey, what's hangin'?" Link asked the man.

"I'm not doing anything suspicious… really," the man answered back.

_Huh, if you say so._ "So, have you heard of this Carniv—"

As Link was talking, the man just plainly ignored him and turned his head to the gate from Termina Field to the North, where an elder woman came from, carrying a huge bag on her back. Then, he started to jog weirdly in a diagonal line. Link only watched, confused, but when he realized what the man was about to do…

… it was too late. The man "bumped" into the lady, leaving her on the ground and taking her bag with him, running.

"Thief! Stop!" the lady shouted.

_Fuck, I gotta stop him or she'll cream me for letting he do that under my nose!_

The thief tried to run as fast as he could, but, obviously, the heavy bag slowed him down considerably. As such, Link readied himself and started charging his bubbles…

… but they missed. Once, twice, thrice.

_Oh god damn it! I can't go near the guy, what if he waves that thing at me? I'm too small! I have to hit this! Come oooonnnn…_

The thief was just at the gate to Termina Field when Link blew the last bubble. It flew, dancing around the air a bit before hitting the man in the face…

… and nothing happened. The man wiped his face and ran through an oblivious guard, a guard who let the thief go, but still kept intent on blocking Link's way.

"You fucking corrupt cops!" he screamed at the guard as he left through to the gate from North to South, not wanting to face the old lady.

_Damn, I let the thief go. That's… just… shit, man. Sometimes I wish I could just… I don't know, go back in time._

Link thought about going back to his room, but first, he went to the West side to wander a bit and lay off the bad vibes.

**Day 2, Past midnight, Clock Town – West**

As he got there, Link looked up at the starry sky greeting him… and the moon, scarily looming, almost hanging over their heads like a guillotine, ready to end their lives at a moment's notice, as inevitable as death itself.

"PLEASE!" a voice rang, snapping Link out of his thoughts.

"WAH!" _Fuck's sake! Why is everyone out to scare me today?!_

"Please, make a deposit!" the voice came from a man… or woman? Link couldn't tell, but whatever it was, it was sitting on a ledge, viciously pounding its palms against its legs.

"A deposit?"

"Yes! If you do that, you can save money, and if you save enough, you get a prize!"

"A prize for deposits?"

"Yes!"

_Alternate dimensions… _"Well, why not, it's not like I can waste this silver rupee on booze around here. I'll do it."

"YES! Oh, yes, yes!" the figure screamed, opening his arms and lifting them upwards as if thanking the gods for the mentioned deposit, "Let me just mark you first…"

"Wha— hey! Hey! Get your hands off— " Link struggled, but the person only wanted to put some mysterious ink on his forehead, so they did it anyway.

_I hope this is not LSD!_

"Now I'll remember you when you swing by again for a deposit or withdrawal!"

"Well okay then, take this," Link said, handing over the silver rupee, "and I'll see you, I guess."

"Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome." _Fucking nut._

As soon as he turned away from the bank, a sign caught his eye. It was the Bomb Shop sign, by the end of the stairs. Bored, he decided to swing by.

The inside of the place was big, but pretty empty. No one was at the front desk, and a Goron slept on the corner.

_Well, this must be what they call a successful business around here…_

As soon as Link finished musing, a very weird-looking bald man came shuffling to the front desk to attend him. Link was going to say something, but…

... as soon as he started to form words, the old lady from the theft appeared behind the man, sobbing.

Link ran for dear life and, this time, he wasn't going to stick around. A couple of minutes later and he was already under his sheets at the Knife Chamber, cursing under his breath and trying not to wake his partner up.

_If only I wasn't a fucking Deku…!_

**To be continued.**

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><p><strong>AN:** Well, it may have started off awkwardly, but I ended up having fun writing this again. What do you guys think?


	7. Chapter 7: 0 Ways to Break Into a Tower

**A/N: **Well, I checked the stats and hey, even if I didn't get any reviews, I scored a lot of views. So that's still nice, I guess.

**Disclaimer: **Laughing straight to the bank

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><p><strong>Chapter 7: <strong>Zero Ways to Break Into a Tower

**Day 3, Morning, Stock Pot Inn**

Sunshine greeted Link and Tatl through their room's "first-class" window, announcing the beginning of a new day. The clock struck 6 'o clock perfectly, officially stating that Day 3 had begun.

The only thing that people seemed not to remember was that…

"AHHH! LINK! LINK! WAKE UP!" Tatl screamed, jumping out of Link's hat and floating madly about.

"Huh… What…?" A groggy Link answered.

"IT'S THE FINAL DAY!"

"Huh… final… WAIT! YOU'RE RIGHT! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT!" _Goddamn you stupid dork! The salesman told you that you had three days to save Termina from total destruction!_

"We have to find a way to get into that tower and SOON!"

"You know," Link pondered, then dashed for the door "your bossy attitude sometimes is really useful!"

_"_W-Wait!" Tatl followed suit.

Out on the hallway again, our heroes decided to ask around for a way to open the door. The people they still hadn't talked to were few, but luckily, some were pretty close…

**Day 3, Morning, Guest Room**

Link and Tatl entered the only other room on the inn; and it was even more of a sham than the Knife Chamber. The room was spacious, sure, but that was it. No windows, a wooden floor with no carpet, a single small round table and two cheap-looking bunk beds. There, a girl wearing a dancer's collant paced back and forth, pondering a lot. Sitting on a chair by the table, a bald man spun the lever on a music box that emanated a familiar sound…

_T-This is… the song… of st—_

"LLLLLLLADADADADADAAAAA…"

"WAH!" Link snapped out of his thoughts by the "cry".

"What can do for you?  
>I see you helpless, doesn't know what to do<br>I wish I can help you in some way  
>So please, ask away!" the music box man sang.<p>

_Oh brother._ "Um," Link started, "Me and my partner here are looking for a way to get into the top of the Clock Tower…"

"The Clock Tower, you say?  
>There is no easy way<br>It only opens at midnight  
>When the fireworks take flight!"<p>

"'Fireworks take flight?'" Tatl asked.

"When 12 P.M. strikes the clock  
>The gate will unlock<br>You see, it is meant to only open at all  
>By the time we begin the Carnival!"<p>

"C-Carnival?!" Link asked, hollow wooden eyes wide, "Please! Tell me more!" _This is it! I'll finally get some info on this goddamn Carnival of T—_

A creaking noise was heard, followed by a snap.

The lever broke and came off of the music box, luring its owner into total silence, staring blankly at the wall, only the sound of his rhythmical breathing being heard now.

"…"

"…"

"…"

_This has got to be a bad joke or something. Every fucking time I approach this topic, something happens and I end up unable to learn anything at all. Even Tatl won't tell me about it. I'm not one for conspiracies, but…_

"He won't say a word if his music box isn't spinning," the girl told Tatl, who was already speaking with her.

"And you can help us in his place?" Tatl asked.

"No." the girl replied, looking at the wall.

_That's one more moody girl for the Temper-Insanity Inn._

"… Not even a lead?" Link asked.

"Look," the girl replied angrily, "I'm busy here. I have some dance steps to figure out by tomorrow."

Link and Tatl looked at each other, no one wanting to ask the obvious question regarding the "tomorrow" bit of the girl's statement, and left the room sulking.

"Is there really no one aware of the moon growing above them other than me, you, the Skull Kid and that creep salesman?" Tatl pondered.

"That is one strong kind of denial if that's true," Link replied, "besides, the moon gets bigger and bigger with every passing hour. They can't just be ignoring this!"

"Well, let's try and find a way to get into that tower. Then we can sort out the mental issues of the people here."

"I'd rather not, this town is full of 'special cases'."

**Day 3, Afternoon, Clock Town – East**

Out on the open again, our heroes were quickly taken by surprise.

A tremor shook the ground around them, loud earthquake noises startling both as everything vibrated like a hole was about to bust open below their feet… However, after a few seconds, the tremor subsided, luckily not harming them or the town itself.

"What in the name of God was that?!" Tatl screamed.

"I don't know, it felt like an earthquake, but it went away so quickly…" Link answered, then trailed off, "… uhhh…"

"What?"

Link pointed up, and Tatl was knocked for a loop, figuratively… and almost literally.

The moon was certainly bigger than last time. The scary face it had was now even more recognizable, zoomed in, features in huge detail. The wide, creepy eyes, the open mouth with putrid, yellow teeth crunching together in an expression of utter rage and pain… As if…

_… The person who made this is reflecting their own feelings…_

"…Wow." Tatl managed to say, in awe of the huge monstrosity above them, fear creeping in the back of her mind as she ran out of words to use.

"We are SO dead if we let this thing fall," Link stated the obvious, "it will take the whole world with it and who knows what else…"

Still with a lot of questions floating on his mind, Link shrugged after finishing speaking and headed for the South, Tatl right behind him.

**Day 3, Afternoon, Clock Town – South**

As soon as the two went down the stairs and stepped foot into the South side of Clock Town for what felt like the billionth time, Tatl stopped in front of Link and floated slowly around.

"Link… don't you feel something is different here?"

"Well, I haven't been approached by any 'interesting' characters or heard any rape innuendos so far," Link replied.

"I'm serious, dorkhead! Look around!"

_"Dorkhead"? Is that the best you can come up with?_ "Hmmmm… now that you mention it…" Link looked around, slowly piecing things together.

"Yeah…"

"…The town seems… emptier, I think. I can only see a couple of those carpenters that were here yesterday."

"Maybe most of the townsfolk are seeking shelter?"

"From the moon? But weren't they in complete denial?"

"Well, denial can only last so long, you know," Tatl answered matter-of-factly, "besides, the guards here have been encouraging people to leave town."

"What do you mean?"

"Look over there," Tatl said, floating around a poster on a nearby wall.

"It says… 'Check out these babes on www.2girls1c-'"

"THE BOTTOM ONE!"

"Oh, ok," Link said, then crouched a bit to read the poster, "'We encourage you to flee and find refuge out of town!' What?"

"There's more."

"I know… it goes on to say that the moon will fall and such… But are they so dense to think that fleeing will prevent anything at all? They can't be possibly telling people that the moon crash will only affect the town!"

"It's signed by the Clock Town Defense Unit," Tatl stated.

"How can a defense unit suck so badly at, well, defense?!"

"We ARE talking about the town where all sorts of bizarre things happen."

"Huh. True." _The town where arms come out of toilets…_

"Well Link, do we have any time left?"

"We're close to evening," Link replied, looking at the Clock Tower's, well, clock, "maybe if we went exploring outside we can find some of the fleeing people and get them to talk to us?"

"Sounds good to me…" Tatl pensively replied, then continued. "But we'd better act quick. We can't wait until midnight for the gate to open! We need as much time as we can to stop the Skull Kid, especially now that he's powering up with that mask…"

"Yeah, well, let's get going then," Link answered, then moved towards the gate that linked South Clock Town to Termina Field. The guard stood still, looking up, not moving but displaying a look of mild terror and disbelief on having the moon, of all things, about to flatten his entire being into oblivion.

However, as soon as he took notice of Link, there he was, just like the other guards; moving sideways to block his way.

"Are you kidding me?!" Link blurted out, not getting any reaction from the guard.

"Can you please get a move on?! We are trying to flee! Like you told us to in that poster!" Tatl angrily lied.

But the guard stood there, motionless. Not saying a word.

_I seriously hate those fuckheads._

"Alright Tatl. There's only one way to sort this."

"What do you mean?"

"I feel that the Carnival of Time is strongly linked to this. I have to learn about the story behind this event. And I'm going to find it even if I have to waste time until midnight!"

"Link…"

"If you don't want to help me, fine, stay here and go find yourself a hole to crawl into," Link hissed, starting to lose it, "but I am going to listen to some Carnival stuff right now!"

He, then, left, completely angry, leaving Tatl behind.

**Day 3, Evening, Stock Pot Inn**

As Link entered the Inn, something caught his attention; Anju wasn't there. Instead, a fat lady with red hair and green overalls stood by the desk.

"Um, who are you?" Link asked.

"Who are YOU?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO TALK TO ME LIKE THIS?!" The lady snapped.

_Jeez! Not another one! I'm never staying in this inn again! _"I'm sorry! I'm the person staying in the Knife Chamber, my name is Link! It's just, I haven't seen you around…"

"Well that's because I'm usually not here, retard!" she bellowed. "I'm Anju's mother, and the owner of Stock Pot Inn!"

_I know now where Anju got her unique mood from..._ "I'm sorry."

"Whatever. Whaddya want?"

"I was wondering where she was?"

"We are about to skip town. Going to the ranch. Moon's falling."

"Ranch?" _And why do you think you're going to save your ass from the moon crash by going to the countryside?_

"Romani Ranch, near the swamp."

"Ah, that one." _Which I don't have the slightest clue about._

"Anyways, Anju and my mother are about to leave too. If you have some business with her, make it quick."

_Her mother… the old lady! That's it!_ "Thank you very much."

"Whatever. Just be quick."

Link dashed for the back room, where the old lady still sat on the same place she was the other day. As soon as she noticed him, she was already starting the same old dialogue:

"Oh, Tortus, are y—"

"Yes yes I am doing whatever you think I am doing and my name is absolutely Tortus whatever PLEASE CAN I LISTEN TO THAT STORY AGAIN ABOUT THE CARNIVAL OF TIME?!"

"Oh, sure, Tortus. But I can read it to you on our way to the United Kingdom."

_First of all, you're going to the ranch._ "No! Please! I have to listen to it now!"

"Well alright then, Tortus. Here we go…"

_This is it! Nothing's gonna make me sleep now! I am awake, wide open eyes, like an owl!_

"A long time ago, the land of Termina…"

"... Yes?!"

"… What was it again..."

"No, please, don't forget it! Don't trust your memory! Read it straight from the book!"

"Ok, Tortus. Calm down. You're not going to get any candy from the Great Fairy if you misbehave!"

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry, really, go on."

"Ok. Now then…"

…

**Day 3, Evening, Stock Pot Inn**

"…" _No… this can't…_

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Link screamed, but to no one, as the old lady had already left with her family.

_This is a conspiracy! I can't believe this! Why is this happening to me?! I am the Hero of Time! I am not to be taken lightly! I have slain demons with my bare han—_

"Link?!" Tatl barged in.

"What?!" Link replied, annoyed.

"It's midnight…"

"W-what…"

As Link searched for words to say, fireworks burst into the skies above, the noises throwing his train of thought completely off track.

"LET'S GO!" Tatl screamed, dashing to the door, Link following suit.

**Day 3, Midnight, Clock Town – South**

As Link and Tatl reached the South one more time, they could catch a glimpse of a carpenter, different from the others, older, with white hair and all – probably the leader – fleeing from the town with tears falling from his eyes.

They could barely comment the scene, though. Another noise, coming from the tower, caught their attention.

The top portion of the tower rose, then fell down perpendicularly like a lever, halting to a stop when it found its reach. Now pointing forward, the "lever" seemed to activate something, because the closed door Link and Tatl were so worried about these past days opened. Behind it was another door. And another. And another. One by one, doors opened, a part of their top halves sticking out, forming a very cleverly hidden set of stairs.

"This must be it…" Link mused.

"The stairway to the top…" Tatl muttered, both at a loss for words.

"Okay, we have to get up there!"

"How?"

"What? Have you forgotten? I have the land deed for the yellow flower!"

"Oh yeah! Can I see it again please?" Tatl asked.

"Sure, h—" Link stopped suddenly and pretended to be in a rush, "Now 's not the time! Let's go, I can show it later!"

"O-OK!" Tatl said, floating by Link as he dashed for the Deku Flower.

_I am not telling her what happened to that land deed…_

Link burrowed under the flower and launched himself upwards, this time, not even caring about the height or anything at all, adrenaline flowing through him. After all, it was midnight. They had only six measly hours – which seemed to pass by very quickly in Termina – to put a stop to world destruction.

A minute later, they were already in front of the newfound stairway. They exchanged looks and went up, not saying a word to each other, taking in the responsibility and seriousness of the moment.

_Skull Kid… your pranks end here!_

**Day 3, Final hours, Clock Tower – Top**

Link and Tatl reached the top, and, a moment later, the exit was already closed.

"Damn it!" Link whispered.

"T-That's…" Tatl trailed off, and Link was about to say something, but when he looked up..

The top floor looked like a huge observatory of sorts. The flooring was weirdly colored, with strong hues flashing everywhere, contrasting with the grey composition of the floor itself. The walls, also not colored by nature, were hued variously, surrounding a huge glass panel that took about half the room, showing a direct view of the moon, now closer than ever.

And, hovering above, as small as Tatl herself…

… The Skull Kid… And Tael, the purple fairy.

"S-Sis!" Tael exclaimed.

"Tael!" Tatl replied excitedly.

"Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Canyon. Hurry… the four who are there… Bring them here…"

_Where have I heard that before?_

Before Link could voice his thoughts, the Skull Kid floated next to Tael… and punched the boy-fairy, pushing him backwards.

"Don't speak out of line! Stupid fairy!" he snapped.

_Coward!_

"Noo!" Tatl screamed, "what are you doing to my brother?! Skull Kid, do you still think you're our friend after that?!"

_What, you were still considering him a friend when he was PLANNING TO DESTROY THE WORLD?_

Skull Kid, however, didn't seem fazed by Tatl's venom-filled words. He stood calmly in the air, legs crossed, throwing Link's Ocarina of Time up and down.

_My Ocarina! He was the one! Son of a bitch! I nearly wasted a ton of Rupees on eBay for nothing!_

"…Well, whatever," the Skull Kid finally said, "Even if they were to come now, they couldn't handle me… Hee hee."

"What?!" Link replied.

"Just look above you…"

"T-The moon…" Tatl muttered, trembling.

"…If it's something that can be stopped, then just try to stop it!" Skull Kid voiced strongly, and Link had a flash.

_T-These words… phrases… that dream!_

While Link was busy forming sentences coherently, the Skull Kid let out a loud banshee scream and unleashed a magic wave that shook the entire place…

…And the moon started falling faster than before.

Now with much less time, Link had to act fast.

_That dream was not for nothing… Zelda was in it… I just know she did something magical again… she's trying to send me a message… I need that Ocarina back, and now!_

"Link, do something!" Tatl screamed, then screamed again when Link ran towards the Skull Kid. "Link, what are you doing?! LINK, GET BACK HERE!"

But Link didn't listen. He looked up and saw the Skull Kid still all stretched out, letting out his magic, speeding up the moon…

… And let out a bullet bubble from his nose.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Well, we all know how this goes (most of us anyway), but let's just pretend that this is a cliffhanger...


	8. Chapter 8: Partners in Time

**A/N: **Aaaaaaaaaand we're at the part of the story that I dreaded the most. You who are familiar with MM's story know that after this point things get BIG. I'm probably going to have to rethink that word count business.

Anyway, let's carry on. Reviews are, as always, appreciated (except if you're 'that' guy who loves to comment FIRST! in anything)

**Disclaimer: **I really hate this "FIRST" business I mean it's so 2007

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8: <strong>Partners in Time

**Day 3, Final hours, Clock Tower – Top Floor**

"L-Link!" Tatl exclaimed after seeing Link shoot a bubble at the Skull Kid. Such an action was, of course, an act of desperation, and she knew better than anyone that acts of desperation aren't always the solution.

But Link had a plan.

The bubble hit the Skull Kid, who was startled by it and, even though no damage had apparently been done, he still was halted from his position from before. He was no longer sending any waves into the moon, but, more importantly… He dropped the Ocarina of Time from his hands.

_There!_

Link dashed towards the falling Ocarina and spun towards it, catching the blue instrument before it could hit the ground.

The Skull Kid didn't even bother. Not saying a word, he returned to his ritual, still untouchable and still forcing the moon towards Termina.

As soon as Link put his hands into the Ocarina, his thoughts took him somewhere far in the past…

_"So… you're leaving?" Zelda said, a little saddened._

_"Yeah. Navi just up and left me without even saying a word." Link replied, looking around, trying to look casual._

_"Um… you didn't hear what happened to Navi…?" Zelda lifted her look from the ground, now trying to look the Hylian boy in the eye._

_"Nope, what's going on?"_

_"She got engaged to a Russian oil tycoon…"_

_"…"_

_"L-Link?"_

_"…"_

_"Are you… mad?"_

_"No, I just don't know what a Russian is."_

_"Oh. Anyway, um, here's the Ocarina of Time…"_

_"What for?"_

_"It's for you… for whenever you f-feel… l-lonely…"_

_"Oh! I see what you mean! So if I play Saria's Song I can talk to her and not feel lonely, right?"_

_"Umm… I-I… y-yeah, that's why."_

_"Thanks, Zelda! Now I'm off to find Navi!"_

_"Where are you going, Link?!"_

_"Russian Land, where else?!" Link said, mounting on Epona and dashing towards the Lost Woods…_

"LINK!" Tatl's scream snapped the young Deku back to reality.

"W-Waaah! Mercy!" he squeaked.

"I don't know what you plan to do with that Ocarina, but it's not going to be enough!" she panicked. "Somebody! Anybody! Goddess of Time… We need more time!"

_Has she lost it or what? Hmm… OK, now what, Zelda? I have the Ocarina in my hands… I think I'll just play all the songs I know and see where it takes me!_

As soon as Link decided to carry out his "well-crafted" plan, however, something strange happened to his Ocarina. The item, now in his pocket, began to shine a bit. Then, all of a sudden…

"WHOA!" Link screamed, startled.

"Link! Where did you get that?!" Tatl asked.

A group of five pipes burst from Link's pocket, arranged around him as if he was playing pipes from orchestras or something. Those were Deku Pipes, very creatively named by Deku musicians.

_The Ocarina changed into those pipes… And here I was, thinking that I knew all there was to this blue monstrosity. Well, anyway, back to the plan!_

As the moon got even more close to the ground, to the point of shaking the place constantly, Link blew on his pipe a familiar tune…

… The Song of Time. A melody learned by Link during his time on Hyrule, the song was passed down by the Royal Family and the Sheikah People. Its power was to open the Door of Time, where Link's Master Sword was put to rest.

However… that was Hyrule, and this was Termina. As we move towards new skies, things change, we change… and yes, melodies may change too.

Everything turned white before Link and Tatl's eyes, and, for a couple of seconds, shadows of clocks passed by him at high speeds, as he was thurst backwards into nowhere… and then… darkness.

**Day X, Time Y, Clock Town – South**

Link and Tatl woke up in a strangely familiar place.

_Whoa… what the hell was that all about? I feel like I had a Blue Potion overdose…_

"Link, we are…" Tatl, dazed, stuttered, "… in front of the Clock Tower…"

"And look, the town is populated again…" Link said, confused as well, looking at the townsfolk going about their businesses like nothing had happened at all.

"It feels like… everything…" Tatl said, looking to the sky… "… started over…"

Link looked up to the sky as well, only to see the same moon he saw about to crash the ground moments ago, now way up in the sky, just like it was in the first time they set foot into Clock Town.

"T-The Song of Time… reseted everything…" Link stuttered, amazed by what he just did.

"Hey! You still have the Ocarina, though!" Tatl excitedly pointed out, "It seems like we somehow altered the universe!"

"That's a lot more dangerous than you realize, Tatl."

"Well, it's the only way I see that we can defeat the Skull Kid! Just keep going back in time until we can undo everything that's happened up until the day he got that mask!"

"Hey, you're right!" Link said, getting his pipes out. He played the Song of Time again…

**Day 1, Morning, Clock Town – South**

… but to no avail.

"Well," Link sighed, "It seems we can only get back to the first day in Termina."

"Oh," Tatl disappointedly stated, but then lit up a bit. "Well whatever! We've still got a weapon against that fucker!"

"True enough. So what's next?"

"Hold on, first I want to check something," Tatl said, floating towards the Deku Flower.

"STOP! STOP!" a voice rang.

_Oh no…_

"Youse know, dis here's my piec…" the Deku started, only to be cut off when our heroes left him talking.

"Yeah, everything resetted alright," Tatl said.

"You really had to do this?"

"Yup."

_There she goes with her PMS again…_

"Now," Tatl stated, "Tael said something interesting when we found him at the Clock Tower."

"Oh yeah! The thing about 'the four who are there', right?"

"Yup. Termina is divided in five sectors: one, of course, is this one, the Clock Town."

"Yeah, go on…" _As if you are my teacher or something…_

"Now, to the south is the swamp. The ocean is west from here, the mountains are through the north and, finally, we have the canyon to the east. That is probably what he meant by that."

"Um, I have a question," Link asked, raising his hand.

"This is not a classroom, idiot."

"Oh, sorry. Anyway… I never realized Tael was a boy."

"… Is that all?"

"Yeah."

Tatl banged herself against Link's head.

"OW! You bitch!"

"Anyway, let's report back to that mask salesman first, because he'll probably want to know that we have a plan."

"… As much as I don't want to…" Link said, going inside the tower.

**Day 1, Afternoon, Clock Tower – Machine Room**

There was the Happy Mask Shop salesman, standing beside one of the clock's engines, happily grinning, rubbing his hands together, shifting his weight from side to side.

"Hey, look who's back," he said.

_Apparently we haven't gone too far back in time to the point that he forgot our first conversation. I don't know if this is good or bad…_

"So, we got news," Tatl bluntly said, cutting right to the chase.

"About my mask?"

"No, about David Beckham. Did you see that he's considering a return to—"

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry for my stupid question!" the salesman angrily screamed, showing an allergic reation to sarcasm.

"Yikes!" Link screamed, "Tatl! Don't upset the guy, who knows what he can do to us!"

"S-Sorry," she apologized, then continued, "OK. So, we have not got it back yet, but…"

"You did not get my item…?"

_Hey…_

"Let me finish! We have a way to…"

"Y-YOU HAVEN'T….." the salesman's smiling mouth started to twitch at the corners.

"Look!" Link cut in again, "We have a magic Ocar—"

But it was too late, as the Happy Mask salesman turned his look into a contorted, psychotic glare and reached for Link's tunic collar.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME! YOU MOTHERFUCKER! ARE YOU CRAZY?!" he screamed, shaking Link as he foamed at the mouth. Then, he dropped him, grabbed his head and started to freak out.

_This guy is completely off his rocker! He scared me more than a hundred Dead Hands could've!_

"LOOK! WE HAVE THE OCARINA OF TIME!" Tatl screamed, trying to get to him.

"!" The salesman turned to look at Tatl and, all of a sudden, he was already breathing normally, his stupid grin plastered all over his face again.

"Oh! The Ocarina of Time! Ahhh, this takes me back…"

_… I'd like to "take you back" as well… to the cuckoo's nest that you flew over, you son of a bitch!_

"You know", he continued, "I can turn you back to your original form with it."

"You're talking to me?" Link asked.

"Who else?!" Tatl exclaimed.

"Yes, with the Song of Healing."

"The Song of… Healing…?" Link asked, not really paying attention because of what had clicked inside his head. _That dream… You mean I had a premonition? Why the fuck doesn't this happen when I bet at the horse racing or something?!_

"The Song of Healing is an old Hylian melody with the power to heal one's sorrows. It was said to be used on wandering spirits, who would then leave masks behind."

"Masks?" _As if I hadn't heard enough about masks lately…_

"Yes. But that's about all I know"

"Well then, let's get to healing me… Huh?!" Link started, "Where did that come from?!"

The salesman, sat down in front of a huge piano, replied hurriedly, "H-Huh?! This? O-Oh, um, I… MAGIC! Now listen up!"

_There's something very peculiar about that guy… Because I know it's not me…_

"Please replay this tune into your ocarina," The strange man said, and Link promptly sent his tubes out.

Tatl was already covering her ears.

As Link played the Song of Healing, everything went pitch black. Suddenly, he was back on that scene from the strange hole in Lost Woods. Mad Scrubs were all over him while an army of naked George Bush figures danced the lambada, all laughing at a very distraught Link.

Suddenly, however, the legendary Pokémon of fire, Entei, happened upon the scene and roared loudly, startling everyone in the room. The Mad Scrubs ran for their lives, and Entei went to follow them.

As for the Bushes, well, they just looked at each other, shrugged and went away in armed tanks while a Hylian Link waved goodbye…

… And then a flash.

And a thump.

"Look at you… so–" The salesman started.

"Please don't compliment me," Link cut him off before he could say anything else, "I don't plan on losing my non-rape innuendo streak."

The boy, then, looked to his feet, only to see that, first of all, he was back to the young boy self he was until setting foot in Termina, and second…

"A Deku mask…" Tatl said, looking at a mask with the face of the Deku Link she was so used to see.

"Well, it seems you weren't talking crap after all", Link observated, looking at his mask. _So what happens if I put it o—_

Link put on the mask, only to have it glue to his face. His facial nerves started to convulse, and he felt weird.

"L-Link!" Tatl screamed at the same time that the boy let out a huge scream of pain. Then…

_No. No. No. This isn't happening. No way. No. Fuck. No. Hell no._

"What the fuck is this?!" Link bellowed, "I'm a Deku again?!"

"Oh, you see," the salesman cut in, "This happens. You know, the mask contains the soul of the being you w—"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE MUMBO-JUMBO," Link was now red at his wooden face, pointing and screaming, "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?! I OUGHTA PUT A BUBBLE IN YOUR ASS!"

"Please," the salesman's grin remained unchanged, as if he was enjoying Link's fury, "Just try taking it off."

"What the fucking hell do you mean 'take it off' you retard?! Can't you see it's stuck to my f—" Link was yelling, but stopped after he put his hands into his face to simulate "taking off" the mask…

… And actually took it off. He felt a little dizzy, but when he came to, the mask was into his hands again.

"You sure are hotheaded, man," the Happy Mask guy whispered.

_You try being changed into a Deku!_

"Link, this might come in handy, you know," Tatl stated, "You being able to use your sword and shield again is nice and all, but if we have your Deku counterpart at ready like this, we can use the Deku Flowers and avoid falling into water!"

"Hey, you're right!" Link said, now puffing his chest a bit, all proud of his achievement.

"Well, creep, we're off," Tatl said, referring to the only "creep" in the room.

"Believe in your strengths… believe…!" he replied, only to be ignored.

_I hope I never see this guy again until I get my hands into that mask._

**Day 1, Evening, Clock Town – South**

"Wow, it's dark already," Link observed.

"Yeah, I can't believe we spent the entire afternoon in there with that guy," Tatl replied.

"Um… let's not think too much about this."

"You're right," the fairy shuddered, then changed the subject, "So, we need a plan."

"Yes, we need a plan."

"Should we begin with the swamp? I mean, we're already near the South gate."

"Yeah, and if that guard tries to stop me, I'll just slice his unprotected legs off with my Hero's Sword!"

"You realize that's a serious offense, don't you?"

"Again with the law stuff? Just try to put me in the clink if you want! Last people who tried to jail me ended up giving me a certificate to cross their sacred desert."

"Um, what?"

"Nevermind," Link trailed off. "Wait a minute…"

"What?"

_We went back in time, right? So everything is as it was before I got here… right…?_

"Tatl, come quickly", Link said, dashing away from the gate, "We're going to the North!"

"But Link! The swamp is… Link!" Tatl went after him.

**Day 1, Evening, Clock Town – North**

Clocks were pointing close to midnight when Link, along with Tatl, sneak up next to the fidgety smiling man that would, a couple of minutes from then, steal an old lady's bag.

"You're sure that's going to happen?" the fairy asked, still a bit confused.

"We went back in time, so it's bound to," Link replied matter-of-factly.

This time not making his presence known, Link jerked up and readied himself when he saw the thief move from his position…

… To casually "bump" into the old lady and run off with her bag.

However, this time was different.

"HYAAAAAAAAAA!" Link yelled, running after the thief, who gasped loudly and tried to fake him out. Link went for it and the thief got past him, but, still with his back to the thief, Link wasn't going to let him go so easily. He spun in a complete circle, a blue wave coming out of his sword, and it reached the thief by a smidge. Due to the distance, the cut wasn't visible nor very painful, but it was enough to startle the thief, who dropped the bag and went running for dear life through the North gate to Termina Field.

_Yeah! Steal that, you dirtbag! Um, speaking of bags…_

Link gave the old lady back her bag, and she smiled widely while praising him.

"Young man, this old lady'll never forget this! Here, have a gift!" the lady then gave Link a mask shaped like a bomb (yes, I know), "It's the Blast Mask, and you ca use it to blow up anything! But that'll hurt you a bit, so think carefully before using it!"

"Um, thanks." _Why the hell would I blow up anything at all in the first place, and second, do I look like a terrorist?! As if the whole Bombers thing wasn't enough... And third! What the hell is with this land and masks?!  
><em>

The old lady left, and Link went back to where his partner was.

"W-What was…" Tatl barely could say a word after seeing Link in action, even more shocked because a while back he was a defenseless Deku who could barely use a flower.

The thing is, Link might not be the brightest bulb around, but he has natural and very good battle instincts. That's what made him Hero of Time – and also what made him let a demon into the Sacred Realm, turning Hyrule into a monster land for seven years, but that's another story.

"You think I became Hero of Time through dumb luck?" Link cockily replied, "Three days as a Deku aren't enough to make me forget how to cut shit down."

"Well, if only you were as smart as you are in battle when you actually have to think..." Tatl replied, kind of muttering.

"Fuck you, Russian."

"What?!" Tatl made to bump against him again, only to hit her head against a very solid Hero's Shield.

_Heh, things are going to change around here_.

"Well, off to the swamp, hurry!" Link exclaimed, dashing away.

"DON'T RUSH ME!" Tatl, ironically, yelled at him.

**Day 1, Midnight, Clock Town – South**

As our heroes went past the Clock Tower, past the Carnival Tower and were almost getting to the gate, Tatl stopped.

"Now what?!" Link said.

"I hear something…"

"Yeah, me too, the clock ticking away! Come on, let's—"

"Sssh!" Tatl hushed Link, and the two quietly opened their ears to, finally, hear a voice, along with a very faint melody, coming from the Laundry Pool…

"LLLLLLLADADADADADAAAAA…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Whoa, NOW we have a real cliffhanger right here! Oh yeah! You couldn't hang any more cliffs in this baby if you wanted!

... um, what

Anyway, thanks guys for the views and reviews. See you all next chapter!


	9. Chapter 9: Mask Magnet

**A/N: **Guys I am SO sorry for the major delay, I swear I'm not gonna desert you again (whoever is still reading anyway). But, you know, this and that.

Anyway, here's the new chapter. Hope you like it! As always, reviews are highly appreciated.

**Disclaimer: ** I think I don't own the Legend of Zelda series but I'm not sure

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9: <strong>Mask Magnet

**Day 1, Midnight, Laundry Pool**

Link and Tatl entered the Laundry Pool after hearing a very familiar cry coming from the place. The last time they were here, Link and Tatl were in a rush because of the Bombers' game, but now, with more time in his hands, they could take in the layout of the small area.

Down the small ramp that led to the place, right in front of them, was the pool where Link first learned about Dekus hopping on water, where they got the broken Great Fairy piece. The pool was surrounded by a small garden with a single tree, where Link and Tatl stood, and an also small bridge to the other side of the pool, with a bell on the edge and a house to the far right.

Of course, it was hard to process all of this when someone is playing a music box right next to you.

"Once upon a time, I met some pets  
>Our nights were as real as it gets"<p>

_What's all this pet night talk…_

"Soon a group we formed, a society  
>Friends together sharing the same reality<br>But though in the food chain, men are top dogs  
>This time the leader was literally a dog!<br>Why the dog and not me?  
>Why am I not leader of this society?!"<p>

_This song is dangerously skinning through "rebellious manifest" by the minute…_

"So I did it. What, you ask?  
>I stole the dog's mask!<br>But I am overcome with guilt  
>So here you are, it's yours to keep"<p>

"W-What?" Link asked, after the man pushed onto him a mask of an eagle-like bird with very serious eyes.

"This is the Bremen Mask  
>It serves a simple task<br>Just put it on and play a melody  
>Your animal buddies will mature quickly"<p>

"Your rhymes are getting lazier and lazier, old man," Tatl stated, unimpressed.

"Yeah, I agree. Maybe you should try something more raw or something," Link concluded, but was thoroughly ignored by the man, his music box and happy smile face.

_Fine, Bieber, do whatever you feel like._ "So, Tatl, what next?"

"Well, we WERE about to check out the swamp before you strayed off the path."

"Fine, let's bounce."

"Sure!" Tatl said, bouncing against Link's head and laughing.

_I swear one of these days I'm gonna…_

Night dragged on as the stars, like silent guardians, slowly patrolled around the dusk skies. Hellbent on solving their rather pesky predicament, our heroes finally set foot outside Clock Town, facing a bigger world, with bigger obstacles… and, hopefully, a big reward.

Link and Tatl got past the guard at the South Gate, who could do little but stare at Link's sword, recognizing him silently as a man of independent will and strength.

**Day 1, Dusk – Termina Field**

And then, Termina.

As soon as they set foot outside, our legendary duo could see a field in front of them. Tall patches of grass, stray logs and sporadic groups of trees decorated the southernmost area of Termina Field, and, from where he was standing, Link could also see the Observatory, and he remembered when he was standing on the opposite side, gazing upon the field from the dome's bars.

"Well, this certainly looks like a field," Tatl stated, breaking the silence.

"Gee, you think?"

"Be careful of those Blue Bubbles though," Tatl said, pointing towards the aforementioned creatures. Blue Bubbles were creatures that roamed around Termina Field at night. They were composed by a cranium of some sort of dragon-like creature and a blue flame enveloping them. "One touch from those and you're jinxed."

"Jinxed?" _As in turning into a Deku for three whole days?_

"Yep. I dunno what'll happen, but you'll be jinxed."

"Well, what—" Link cut Tatl off and turned forward to step, only to bang his head against a Blue Bubble that spotted him.

"FUCK! RUN!" Link screamed, doing backflips to put some distance between him and the creature, who promptly chased after him.

_Ok, now I've got you, small punk. Have a taste of this blad—_

The Bubble hit again.

"Link! What the hell's wrong with you?! Just slash him up!" Tatl screamed from behind.

"I… I can't! My sword…" Link managed to say.

"Your sword what?!"

"I can't draw it!" Link screamed, jumping to the side to avoid another tackle from the Bubble.

"What do you m—OH!" Suddenly, a thought hit Tatl, "Link! You're jinxed!"

"Oh unholy son of a…" Another tackle, another dodge.

_I can't keep running in circles like this! Don't suppose I have any other weapons though…_

Link and the Bubble were engaged in a chase, with Tatl agitatedly shuffling around. As the Hylian boy rolled and jumped around, he racked his brain for any possible means of hitting the floating menace after him.

_Maybe if I just run like Hell he'll get tired of chasing after me…!_

And this he did. Link started rolling and running to his left – also left from the gate – and putting more and more distance between him and the Bubble.

Soon enough, the monster strayed off and went back to his business, leaving a wheezing Link to himself… and a very amused fairy.

"Hahahahahahaha, what a chicken! That's the Hero of Time for you, huh?!"

"Grrrrrrr… you stupid-!"

"What? Gonna draw your sword? Oh! You can't! Hahahaha!"

"…" _I'm jinxed alright. This yellow Russian is my eternal jinx._

Link looked down at his feet, only to notice something strange.

"Wait. There's snow beneath me." He looked around, and noticed that he wasn't at the forest anymore; rather, he was on top of a ledge, a snowy ledge, facing a snow mountain and a very snowy wasteland down below, decorated by tall "mushroom" rocky platforms.

"Huh. You don't say." Tatl stated, and floated a bit higher to get a clear view of the area.

"This is one weird place," Link said, looking around.

"Link," Tatl floated down, "It seems this place is divided in four halves, one for each of the sectors I told you about. The halves are sort of 'themed' by their section."

"You mean this is the Mountain half of Termina Field?"

"Yes. Right over there is the North Clock Town gate. In your hurry, you left the swamp half and passed through the Canyon half as well, which would stand for the East portion."

"But is this even geographically possible?"

"Well we ARE in an alternate dimension."

_I-It's not that simple!_

Their interesting chat was, however, interrupted. A sad melody took over their ears, and, startled, both of them looked towards the source of the sound.

On top of one of the mushroom-rock-platforms, almost near the ledge, stood a sheet-white figure, dancing to the sad, weeping tune.

_What in the name of…_

Link and Tatl moved towards the figure, Link making a jump for it.

"Excuse m—"

"**I HAVE DIED**"

"WHOA!" Link stumbled backwards, startled by the baritone voice coming from the figure.

_This guy sounds like an opera tenor! Where's all this voice coming from?_

"**OH MOON I HAVE FUCKING DIED**"

"WE GET THE PICTURE!" Tatl yelled back, but to no avail.

"**I JUST WANTED TO DANCE BUTT-NAKED FOR PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD**"

_N-Not only he's loud, he's also profane…_

"**CAN SOMEBODY HEAL MY SORROWS**"

_Heal my ears first!_

"**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH**" The figure started to cry and wail, much to our heroes' dismay.

"TATL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!"

"I DON'T KNOW! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK!"

"I'LL PLAY THE SONG OF HEALING!"

"WHY?"

"WELL HE DID SAY HE NEEDED HEALING!"

"B-BUT…!"

"OR AT LEAST HE'LL GET DISTRACTED AND SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Amidst all the wailing and crying, Link whipped his ocarina out and blew on the instrument as hard as he could, but the notes still went unnoticed amongst the uproar.

"THAT DIDN'T GO SO WELL!" Tatl yelled, then noticed Link reaching for something… "LINK…?"

Before she could finish, Link put on the Deku Mask and sent out his Deku Pipes as quickly as he could. Putting a lot of effort this time, the instrument barely matched the volume of the baritone voice, but it seemed to work anyway. For a few moments, the figure stopped, enveloped in a trance, and then… Gone.

A blank mask with the figure's face on top of it fell to the floor, and Link could hear a very acute voice whispering…

"…Thank you. Teach my dance to the world… this is the Kamaro Mask…"

"… I need a vacation," Link muttered under his breath, reaching for the mask.

He then thought to put it on, which proved to be a bad idea. As soon as the mask touched his face, it fitted itself and Link started dancing, as if his body had a will of its own.

_W-What's going on?!_

Tatl couldn't even say anything, her laughter echoing around.

_How is… what… I… m-my body…!_

Swirling, spinning, tiptoeing and moving around in a ballet fashion, Link tried anything in his power to make the madness stop, but to no avail; even though his mind screamed for freedom, his muscles all followed one command: to dance.

"That's what he meant by 'spreading' huh?!" Tatl managed to say, between laughs.

"Can you pl—" Link said, only to shut his lips together after realizing his voice was incredibly high-pitched.

Tatl dropped to the floor, almost fainting from the full-course meal of laughter she just had, while Link danced madly about with his possessed body and forcefully shut lips.

"How am I supposed to get out of this funk?!" Link said in his "unique" voice.

"Here, let me," Tatl said, floating towards him and pressing herself against the edge of the mask, decorated by Kamaro's face. Eventually, she pushed the mask off, and Link fell to the floor, tired and relieved at the same time.

"For crying out loud, every mask I find leaves me worse than the previous," he complained, "At this rate I'll be dead within the next few days."

"Well we only have three, you know."

"True enough. So, shall we backtrack to the swamp?"

"Actually, I was wondering," Tatl started, "Since we are already right in front of the North gate and all, maybe we could talk to the Great Fairy? Maybe she has some advice…"

"We already helped her once", Link argued, "It's highly unlikely that she'll have anything more useful for us. Besides, we reset time, right? She'd have to be shattered again."

"It's not like you don't know where the piece is…"

"Um, true."

"So let's go!"

"Oh bother… Okay, okay…" _Always the bossy one…_

**Day 1, Dusk, Clock Town – North**

Our heroes entered Clock Town once again, as dusk was reaching its final moments and the morning of the next day came crawling.

"Alright, so the part was in the Laundry Pool, right?" Link asked.

"Good memory. Floating above the pool," Tatl replied.

"Okay, let's get a move on then."

**Day 1, Dusk, Laundry Pool**

Link and Tatl walked down the ramp leading to the Laundry Pool, ignoring completely the music box man, and the Hylian boy ran towards the actual pool, hoping to find the broken piece of the Great Fairy…

… Only to be faced with a "fairy-less" body of water.

"WHAT?!" he screamed, startling the old man to the point of dropping his box.

"The piece's not there!"

_Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me… _"Now what?!"

"Um… Let's split up and see who finds it first!"

"What do you think this is, Scooby-Doo?! Do you even know if it's still in town?"

"Link, just do it! Head East and I'll head West, we've been already to North and South and didn't find it!"

"Man oh man…" Link muttered, angry, "I told you not to come back to town…"

**Day 1, Damn near morning, Clock Town – East**

Link reached East Clock Town covering his ears due to the Clock Tower's bell loudly announcing the incoming morning.

_Every kind of clock seems out to get me… Huh?_

Looking forward, towards the Stock Pot Inn outside, right next to the veranda…

… The fairy piece.

_Hey! There you are!_

Link paced towards the floating fairy, only to realize it was too high to reach. Fortunately, there was a Deku Plant nearby, and Link promptly put his Deku Mask on, burrowing underground and launching himself towards the sky as he did so many times before.

He reached for the fairy, carefully gliding towards his goal, and then, as he was about to gather his prize…

**Day 2, Morning, Clock Town – East**

… The fairy was gone.

"…"

Link carefully landed on the Stock Pot Inn veranda, and, still stoic and in a first-class denial, he walked towards the edge, looking down to the floor.

… _It's too bad that I'm so close to the ground, otherwise I'd just jump…_

"HEY!" a voice rang, and Link jerked his head to the side to see Tatl beside him.

"Huh?"

"Did you find it? And what's with the Deku Mask?"

"Yes, I did find it, the Deku Mask was to reach the fairy, which was floating in midair."

"Oh!" Tatl beamed, "So let's just br—"

"The fairy vanished."

"W-What do you mean vanished?! She just disappeared?"

"Yeah, and right in front of my face too."

"… Boy you really are something else with this bad luck of yours."

_Tell me about it. _"Well I did manage to, at the eleventh hour, send us back in time, so… hard to know if I'm lucky or not."

"Well, let's go to Termina Field. I have a feeling we won't be reassembling fairies today…"

"Yeah, you're probably right," Link said, removing the Deku Mask and standing up, only to realize something, "…Hey. My wallet."

"Your wallet?"

"Yeah, my Rupee wallet. I think I dropped it somewhere…" _Not that I had that many Rupees to be so worried about losing it…_

"Let's retrace your steps then, see if we find it."

"Sure. But hey," a thought hit Link, and he said, "We've wasted enough time already, maybe we should take our time and then reset again before going to the swamp."

"You mean back to the first day?"

"Yeah, when else? The first Thanksgiving?"

"Dude, chill, are you PMSing or something? Let's go."

_Like you're one to talk!_

**Day 2, Morning, Laundry Pool**

As soon as they reached the Laundry Pool, both looking very glum and slowly walking in a depressed manner, Link and Tatl realized that the music box man wasn't there anymore.

_Probably got complaints and went back to his room… I mean, we did find him there at the first day._

"L-LINK!" Tatl screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! What the fuck, Tatl?!"

"L-Look over there…!"

"What are you t—" Link stopped mid-sentence, then looked forward to see…

.. The fairy piece, right where he found it the very first time.

"…"

_I'm not going. This is another prank._

"What are you waiting for, Link?! Go get it!"

"…"

"Link!"

"…"

"Okay, okay, I'll fetch you 40 Rupees, now go for it, goddamnit!"

"…Okay." _I wasn't even thinking and it still worked._

Link put his Deku Mask on, hopped across the pool and got the piece, just like old times. Tatl found his wallet next to the tree and gave it back to him – with 40 Rupees inside – and they went back to the North, hoping to finally put this miserable task aside.

**Day 2, Morning, Great Fairy's Shrine**

The reassembled Great Fairy stared at our heroes.

"Well, well… So you are the one who brought me back to my original form, hmm?"

"Yup," Link replied, way more relaxed than the first time.

"I have to say, it's been a while since I last saw a Hylian", she said, noticing Link's pointy ears, trademarks of the Hylian race, "It's quite refreshing."

_Is she hitting on me?_ "Um, Great Fairy? I was wondering… We know about the Skull Kid and how he… shattered… you."

"Oh, that was quite unfortunate."

"We are on his trail, and we're about to go south for the swamp. Do you have anything to help us? Anything, really."

"Oh, I'm afraid I don't think I have. I could give you the Great Fairy Mask, though, just as a "thank you" gift."

"Um… what does it do?" Tatl asked.

"I do not know," The Great Fairy replied, "But please accept it."

She, then, materialized a mask with her face (shocker!) and gave it to Link.

_Another fucking mask! What's with all the masks?!_

"Oh, you seem weary. Allow me to fix that…" The Great Fairy said, enveloping Link and Tatl in a magical veil, giving energy back to them. "Now… Be careful out there. The swamp is a very dangerous place by nature, and now that such a thing has happened to it, I fear…"

"'Such a thing'?" Tatl interrupted.

"Oh, didn't you hear? The Woodfall region, which encompasses the swamp, has been cursed."

"As in…?" Link asked.

"I'm afraid I do not have the details, but the temple has been taken by a monster, it seems."

"Oh, great." _As if we didn't have enough on our hands._

"Thanks, Great Fairy. We'll be careful, I promise!" Tatl happily exclaimed.

_It's like mother and daughter…_

"I have faith in you two. You possess an aura of… courage… and a powerful spirit."

And with that, she left two freshly renewed heroes behind, leaving the shrine with their chests puffed.

Outside, Link took the Ocarina of Time and played the Song of Time.

Tomorrow was swamp day.

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><p><strong>AN:** Yeah, the Great Fairy Mask is going to be useless, I didn't see any point on the whole Stray Fairy thing since Link, here, already has magic and all that.


	10. Chapter 10: Monkey Business

**A/N: **It's being a little difficult to keep up with this while I'm swamped (no pun intended) in work and college stuff, but hey, I don't plan on giving this up. Here's to another chapter, and finally, plot advancement!

**Disclaimer: **You know, the other day I was wondering, what if I actually owned the Legend of Zelda series? Would I go around saying "Hey, mate, how are you doing? Oh by the way, I own the Legend of Zelda series and all copyright material"?

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10: <strong>Monkey Business

**Day 1, Morning, Clock Town – South**

The day started fresh again for Link and Tatl, who had finally resolved all the pesky sidetasks that were keeping them from what really was their main goal for now – reaching the swamp.

"So, as far as I can see in the map," Link stated, looking at a map they got from the Trading Post in West Clock Town, "if we go south from here we have this 'Milk Way' here… and another path that leads to a 'Southern Swamp'."

"Yep", Tatl agreed, "That's probably where we have to go."

"That's as far as the map goes, but it says 'Woodfall Region', so it's probably got more territory."

"And there's the temple, too – I heard it's called 'Woodfall Temple'."

_Shocker!_ "So, let's roll. And smart up, because I don't feel like being jinxed again."

"Yeah, I sure hope you don't…"

As they kept on talking, Link put his sword on full view, so that the annoying guard wouldn't get in his way when they came through the South gate.

**Day 1, Morning, Termina Field**

Termina Field was even more of a view when the sun shone upon the ground. The leaves of the trees and the grass around the South section looked even greener in accordance to the full blue sky above them.

As Link walked towards the path to the swamp, he noticed that there were no Blue Bubbles in sight – maybe they only came at night? As he was wondering, however, he didn't pay attention to his surroundings, and because of that…

"OW!" _What the—_

Snapping his sight up front, he saw a red blob – which had tackled him, he guessed – with a very weird smile hopping towards him.

"That's a Red Chuchu," Tatl reported, "It's no more than a living slosh of water, so you should just hack away. It'll probably drop some curatives for you."

"And you wait until I bump into the damn thing to tell me?!" Link exclaimed, angry, then cut the blob in half and picked up some health.

"There are some green ones too, if you look around," she continued, "And those recover some of your magic energy".

"Huh, you'd think we're at some sort of videogame quest." _…What is this ominous feeling I suddenly got?_

After dangerously interfering with the universe itself, Link made for the path. The field "ended" on a horizontal wall of trees that stretched through the entire edge of the section, as if it were some sort of indicator that you were about to leave the main field and enter Woodfall. Very near the entrance to Woodfall, a big tree stood aside from the wall, and at the foot of said tree…

"Ah!" Tatl exclaimed.

"Will you stop screaming suddenly already?!" Link yelped, startled, "Every fucking time you find something you give me a heart attack!"

"This is…" she trailed off, and Link noticed a drawing on the tree, made from scratching the wood. It looked very much like someone he'd already met.

"The Skull Kid…" he murmured, "…and… two fairies?"

"Yes… Me and Tael."

"Tatl? You made this?"

"Well, not me, but I was there when the Skull Kid made it…"

"Huh, so you have been here before…"

"Yes. We found him one day… It was raining, and he was all alone under that log…" Tatl said, gazing upon a huge fallen treelog at the field that doubled as a tunnel of sorts, "He was all alone and me and Tael were freezing, so we joined him and… we ended up becoming friends."

"Oh wow. But why did he beat Tael up on the Clock Tower like that then? Weren't you friends?"

"That was before that bleak day…"

"Bleak?"

"The Skull Kid was always a big prankster. That's why he ended up alone like that. No one found the patience to stick with a guy that liked so much to play tricks."

_Well I'd be very pissed off too, but…_ "… But that's not all, is it?"

"Yes. One day, we found that mask salesman creep out here and he stole that mask from him… The Majora's M–"

"Wait, so you have been here before and you have met that freak before as well?!" Link interrupted, eyes wide, "How many things do you plan on keeping from me, Tatl?!"

"I-I'm sorry, Link!" she replied.

_That was a very quick apology. I'm not convinced._

"A-Anyway…" Tatl carried on, "He stole that mask, put it on… and then… he changed. And then we met you…"

"Alright, alright. So he went batshit because of the mask's influence. I guessed as much…"

"But was he really…?" Tatl muttered, while Link stepped ahead towards Woodfall.

**Day 1, Afternoon, Swamp Path**

The path looked simple enough. The "wall of trees" was more of a "line", because as soon as they crossed it, it's like he was still at Termina Field. Looking forward, Link could see that the path split in two, one to the left and the other straight ahead. At the very center of the split, a single tree towered upon our heroes, who stopped under its shadow to consider the next step.

"Well, we have two choices here." Tatl stated matter-of-factly, examining her surroundings.

"I—hold on a sec," Link said, slashing away at a bat that swooped upon him. As he finished, he found Tatl to be rather astounded. "… What? I'm just tired of having creatures bump into me."

"Y-You're really as good as they say, huh…"

_Hero of Time, baby._ "Well, now that this Keesse is out of the way…"

"Link, it wasn't a Keesse. It was a Bad Bat."

"… What's the difference? You need to stop judging things based on narrow-minded assumptions, Tatl!"

"… Why am I getting this ominous feeling of repetition?"

"Anyway, which direction we'll take? I vote for straight ahead."

"And what led you to such a bold conclusion, genius?"

"Ha! You don't know how sound my logic can be."

"Oh? By all means, explain away."

"Hold on," Link cut another bat down, "Right. So, I figure: left is left, right?" He said, pausing and waiting for a very confused Tatl to say something.

"Go on…" she said.

"So, if left is left, whatever remains must be right! And right is right… right?"

"…"

_Ha! You could round up a thousand Miles Edgeworths and it wouldn't match my l–_

Link looked up to realize Tatl had already floated on her own to the left path.

"H-Hey! What gives?" He shouted, running after her.

"I can't listen to you. You're obviously mad."

"What? What do you mean? Are you defying my carefully planned reasoning?!"

"Yes, I am."

Before the exchange could escalate to higher levels of dissonance, Link and Tatl stopped on their tracks to see that the path came to a dead end with a small pond and a house by the far end. At the door, a sign: "Archery Range – Gone for lunch, be back soon".

"Huh, archery. Sure brings back some memories…"

"You know how to use a bow and arrow, too?!"

"Damn right I know," Link replied, puffing his chest, "I just wish I had my bow with me now…"

"Well, we could always make you one, there's plenty of wood around."

"What?! And hurt the poor trees?! How very selfish of you!"

"… Let's go the other way, Hero of Time…" Tatl said, defeated.

They got to the tree and, this time, kept going straight, opposite from the entrance. There wasn't much to look at, as the rest of the way was very much like Termina Field itself. They passed through a couple of bushes, then a little hill… And then…

**Day 1, Afternoon, Southern Swamp**

… The swamp.

At long last, our heroes reached their destination. The swamp area was pretty big by itself, though as far as Link could see, it was a very closed-off area as well. A few feet away from them, the swamp itself, with a large boathouse in the middle, a path to the left and a cave straight ahead, much like the path they just went through.

But something caught Tatl's eye.

"Link, look at the swamp…"

"... It's… purple?" Link said, confused. The water was, indeed, colored purple, and as he drew closer, he noticed that it emitted a very foul stench as well. _T-This smell…_ "Tatl! It's poison!"

"P-Poison?!"

"Yeah, the swamp is poisoned!" _Is that the curse the Great Fairy mentioned?_

It was. Woodfall had fallen prey to a curse, a curse unleashed on it by the "monster" who took control of the region. Legend says that whatever lies within the temple has its aura reflected on the waters of the swamp, and if that were true, Link was about to face a very angry and ferocious soul.

"I guess we have to get to the temple," Link pondered, "The 'one who is there' Tael mentioned is probably the monster who raided it."

"I see some lilypads lined up to the left path…" Tatl said, looking towards said direction.

"Let's do this, then."

"L-Link?"

A scream, and Deku Link was standing right in front of the yellow fairy. "Link, what are you doing?"

"What do you think? I'm going to hop from lilypad to lilypad."

"The water's poisonous!"

"Hey, I'm a Deku! I'm… you know… from the forest! And poison's not very effective against grass in Pokémon!" Link shouted, jumping towards the swamp.

"It's the other way around, stupid! Grass types are not good ag—LINK!" Tatl screamed, but to no avail. Link was already touching the water…

… And hopping with no signs of pain.

A speechless Tatl stood still for a couple of seconds, then dashed to catch up with the Deku.

Halfway through the small string of lilypads, Link saw a corridor with two steaming pots at each side of the entrance, the, well, steam coming out quite clearly, as if to indicate someone that something related to those pots was just beyond the corridor.

"Hey Tatl," he called out, "You see this?"

"What's that? A corridor… with pots?" Tatl pondered.

_Aren't we deserving of the Master of the Obvious title today…_

"Should we check it out?" Tatl asked.

"Well, why not, right? No stone unturned."

And so they did. However, as soon as they stepped in between the rocky walls of the pathway…

"Whoa!" Link yelled, stopping on his tracks. Out from an innocent-looking bush, out came a small toothless carnivore plant, drooling venom from its mouth, reaching for Link but stopping after reaching its extension limit.

"It's a Deku Baba!" Tatl said, alarmed. But Link didn't even remove the Deku Mask; a spin attack and the monster was paralyzed, standing upward… and another spin attack split the thing in half, leaving behind a Deku Stick that used to be part of his body.

"Don't talk about Deku Babas like they're dangerous," Link smugly said, "Those fuckers were like the easiest things to beat ever back in Kokiri Forest. We used to cut 'em all the time to gather wood."

"Oh, I… didn't know."

"Well, whatever. Let's go."

Link removed his mask and started walking towards the end of the path, cutting down a couple of Deku Babas up along the way, same way he did earlier. When they reached their destination, they found it to be another dead end. A shallow pool of water (and it really looked like water this time) lay at the centre, with a tall support tower and a weird, red, cauldron-shaped house at the very top, smoke emanating from the chimney. Behind the house, a small waterfall and a couple of feet away, an entrance to some woods… an entrance very similar to the ones at Lost Woods.

"What's with the house?" Tatl asked.

"Don't ask me," Link replied, "All I know is that this kind of stuff can't be good to the ozone layer…"

"Since when do you worry about stuff like that?"

"Touché," Link conceded, and then stopped to look at the the entrance to the woods. _…What's going on? This is all too familiar to the treelogs back in Lost Woods…_

"Hey," Tatl asked, and Link winced with the word she used and the way she said it, but shook it off and looked at her, "This sign here says 'To Woods of Mystery'."

"Probably the one over there. Shall we?"

"Lead the way, grass-boy."

"Oh, and Tatl?"

"Yes?"

"Poison is really super-effective against grass," Link said, squeezing his boots.

"I knew it!"

**Day 1, Afternoon, Woods of Mystery**

The rustling of grass as Link stepped into the woods sounded very familiar; after all, being a boy from the forest, he was practically home. And, well, the place did look a lot like his Lost Woods. He was surrounded by trees in a perfect circle with four "fallen log tunnels" at each cardinal direction – one being, of course, the one he came from.

"This sure looks like the Lost Woods, huh…" Tatl stated the obvious while scanning her surroundings.

"Which probably means it's gonna be that all over again."

"Huh?"

"You know," Link explained, "Three exits are wrong and will take you to the beginning, and one is right."

"Oh. So we're gonna do the old trial and error routine?"

"Prob—"

Link barely took two steps forward when he was surprised by a white monkey. The monkey was very small and looked friendly, quietly "ook"-ing as he hopped from side to side.

Link took his sword out.

_Just try to "ook" your way out of this blade, you little Mankey wannabe!_

He dashed…

"W-Wait!" The monkey shouted, and Link came to a halt with the sword midair, a few inches away from its forehead.

"W-What? You speak?"

"A-As a matter of fact, I am capable of conversing with human beings, good sir!" He hurriedly stated, "Please, do not bring pain upon my natural features…"

"Um, fine," Link said, putting the sword away.

"Who are you?" Tatl asked.

"My lady! I am but a mere primitive specimen which drifted away from yours in the vast sea that is evolution."

"… By which you mean you're a monkey."

"That would be the correct way to put it, yes," The monkey said, "I descend upon thee with a most noble task in mind!"

"Which is…?" Link asked, confused.

"… Kindly chase after my being!" The monkey said after a pause, then dashed for the log east from them.

"W-Wait!" Tatl and Link yelled in unison, following him into another area much like the one they just left, which meant that it was a maze. The monkey was very fast and kept faking them out for some reason, which almost landed our heroes back in the beginning a couple of times. At a couple of occasions, Link found himself having to dodge enemies: the area was inhabited by Snappers, heavy turtles who, when in retreat under their shells, could spin out at foes with spikes protracting from the shell. Needless to say, Link had a bit of a rough time dodging them _and_ keeping up with the monkey at the same time.

_Will you stop Usain Bolting me for a minute?! My legs are about to give up!_

Taking a sharp left, the monkey stopped at the next section, along with Link and Tatl. Three other monkeys took notice of them, and all monkeys scattered around and left the woods, leaving behind what looked like a person… collapsed.

_What the hell is this all about? I'm getting involved in some serious monkey business here…_

"I know that face, you thought of a corny joke didn't you?!" Tatl asked.

"What? Of course not, I… AHHHHH!" Link stopped mid-sentence and yelled after looking forward and realizing who exactly was fallen in front of him.

"O-Ow! Help me!" The person said.

_I-It's… !_

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><p><strong>AN**: Before anyone reminds me that, in the game, the swamp's only poisoned beyond a certain point, I'll just say "ABRIDGED!" and let the magic do the rest. Thanks for reading, guys and gals!


	11. Chapter 11: Ang(st)er Management

**A/N: **And here we go again after another not-so-cliffhanger! Since time's been keeping me away from actually re-studying the facts of the game (which I've beaten more than a dozen times so don't worry too much), the Abridged Card is going to see a lot more use from now on. Anyway, as always, review and enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **All characters belong to Nintendo, except for maybe Zelda. She belongs to me. ME

… Actually, no. She belongs to Nintendo too.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11: <strong>Ang(st)er Management

"O-Ow!"

_I-It can't be… I thought I had… You… N-No…_

"Link, what the hell are you staring at?! Won't you help?" Tatl said, floating around Link's face.

"Tatl, do you have any idea who that is?!" Link replied, pointing at the fallen person.

"Nope."

"That's Koume, the evil witch!" Link said, and, right on cue, Koume lifted her head weakly. Her gray-ish skin now appearing, Tatl looked startled after taking in the old witch's figures. Long-nosed, wide-eyed and very, very short, with white hair springing upward from her head. Koume did look like a witch – but not one of the kind that would make the Hero of Time act so jumpy. No, Koume was but one half of the mighty spellcaster Twinrova. Her twin sister, Kotake, was the other half. Each of them fought Link in the past, Koume with her fire magic and Kotake with her icy spells, and, when cornered, fused together into Twinrova, which proved to be a challenge and a half for our very own Link back in his heroic days.

Of course, now, she was lying down in the middle of the woods and Link's just recovered from being trapped in a Deku body for three straight days.

"Who are you calling 'witch', you rascal?! Show your elders some respect!" She answered.

"Didn't I banish you and your stupid oldbag of a sister to the Hell you should've never come back from?!" Link demanded, eyes narrowed.

"… Who are you?!" Koume said.

What Link didn't know was that none of that description above mattered. Link _was_ in Termina Land after all. So THIS Koume was but an alternate-dimension one. Which, as a matter of fact, had no contact whatsoever with Link… aside from this one.

"What do you mean 'who I am' you crazy bitch?! Have you forgotten the nuisance you two were to me?!"

"L-Link! That's no way to talk to an…" Tatl trailed off, unsure if she should butt in like that when two old, bitter enemies were facing off.

"Bah! I don't know what you're talking about! An old, helpless lady like myself in need of help and all I get is a noisy brat like you! Why back in the day, when t—"

"You know what?! I should've pierced your pretty little diamond the moment I saw you," Link said, using his sword to point the small red accessory on the middle of her hair, "But I'll just leave you to rot in here!"

Link finished speaking, kicked the lady on her side and left the woods steaming.

**Day 1, Afternoon, Southern Swamp**

"Fuck this!" Link said, kicking the grass to let some steam out.

"Link!" Tatl came to him from the woods, "What the hell got into you?!"

"I never agreed to this! I don't want to put up with this kind of stuff!" Link screamed, waving his arms around, "I was just supposed to get my horse back and suddenly TEMPLES! CURSES! WITCHES! What's next?! King Dodongo?! Dead Hand?! Volvagia?! Have them bring Ganon back too, just don't forget I'm not a fucking grown-up anym—"

A bump in the head and Link stopped talking.

"Look," Tatl started, taking a deep breath, "Link, no one's asking the world of you. You don't even know if she's really Koume or n—"

"Do you honestly think I'd forget her face?!" he cut in.

"I dunno, you're the kind of guy who thinks poison is bad against grass in Pokémon… And besides," she said before he could object, "Have you forgotten? We're in Termina. The only ones who know who Link is are me, Tael, the Skull Kid and the salesman. This is an _alternate dimension_."

"I know, but…"

"You must have suffered a lot from having your childhood and adulthood mixed up like that, and I understand your traumas, but you _are_ the Hero of Time and your goddamn fate is to save this world from total destruction, like it or not!"

Tatl and Link spent a few moments staring at each other, but those moments felt like centuries to them. The wind blew east, and through his fluttering hair, Link saw the fairy that had been such an asshole to him ever since he first met her; she helped the Skull Kid steal his horse, prevented him from chasing after him and only partnered up with him because she got locked out as well. She knocked him in his Deku head several times when he was cursed, bossed him around and more than often had a good laugh at his misfortunes. Not satisfied, she also lied to him twice and hid things from him constantly. Yet, here she was, having the _nerve_ to tell him what to do and talk about his past like this.

But, for whatever reason, no matter how angry he got at her, he always resigned himself to be with her. Something bound him to stick with this nuisance of a fairy. Was it because she had first-hand information on the Skull Kid, Epona and Termina? Or was it something more?

Was it because of… her?

_Navi…_

He never realized it, but Tatl was just like Navi – if not a tad dirtier and meaner – always twinkling at every little thing, "hey"-ing him to check stuff around him, keeping him from slacking off.

_Maybe it's a fairy thing to be so goddamn annoying and impossible to get rid of…_

"… I need a drink." Link finally said, breaking the silence and turning his back to Tatl, walking toward the long stairs leading to the cauldron-shaped house up in the air.

"Uh oh…" Tatl said, tagging along, but feeling a little lighter after realizing her words had, at the very least, dissipated his anger and transformed it into mild annoyance as always.

After all, she had to look out for him.

**Day 1, Near sunset, Magic Potion Shop**

The sign on the door read "Magic Potion Shop", so Link already raised his eyebrows in mild surprise, but he barged in anyway, fixing for a Blue Potion.

The inside of the shop was as standard as you'd find; wooden floor, sturdy walls, a couple of strewn boxes and barrels, and the desk at the end of the room. Nobody was to be seen, but Link figured he'd just knock on the desk.

"Yes?" a voice answered from behind a small door at the back.

"Um, excuse me," Link said, looking at the drinks displayed on the desk, "I'd like a Blue Potion, please."

"Oh, that's unfortunate," the voice answered, "I ran out of mushrooms, you see. I can't make Blue Potions without some…"

"What? But I see one right here…"

"That's just a toy replica for display."

"Oh." _Can't I at least have a drink in this hellhole of a dimension…?_

"I asked Koume to fetch some at the woods," the voice continued, and the door opened, "But she is taking her sweet time…"

By the time that sentence was finished, Link had already stopped paying attention. His jaw was, metaphorically, on the floor as he stared, dumbstruck, at who exactly was running this "Potion Shop".

Kotake, the other half of Twinrova and Koume's twin sister, was standing behind the desk, a smile on her face, her blue head jewel shining against the light of the setting sun coming through the window.

"Hmm?" Kotake said, "Is something wrong?"

But Link didn't answer. He just stood there, open mouth, heavy stare and uneven breathing.

_F-First the woods, n-now…_

"ARGH!"

Losing it, Link turned and hastily walked away and out the door, slamming it behind him with unnecessary force.

"W-What is with this young man?!" Kotake asked.

"He's having a bad day", Tatl replied, "By the way, Koume was at the woods…"

"Oh, that rascal! Bet she's procrastinating! I swear, leaving youngsters to do things…"

"Aren't you twins?!"

"W-Why, I…"

"Nevermind, look," Tatl continued, in a hurry, fearing Link might do something stupid, "She's been attacked. She was lying on the floor and asking for help."

"…"

"W-What?"

"…"

"… Um…?" Tatl asked, coming closer, but a loud shriek from the lady made her flinch and fly a mile back in shock.

"S-She is in trouble?! Please, you have to help her! Bring this to her!" Kotake said, gathering a bottle full of Red Potion and handing it over to Tatl.

"T-This is heavy!" She said, doing her best to float out the shop without letting the bottle fall straight on the floor.

**Day 1, Sunset, Woods of Mystery**

Tatl tried looking for Link anywhere near that portion of the swamp, but didn't find him. Still firmly grasping the bottle, she made to the Woods of Mystery, vowing that she'd go after him as soon as she was done with Koume.

"Alas!" The monkey emerged from above, startling Tatl to the point of almost dropping the Red Potion, "M-My apologies, m'lady! It was not my intention to consternate your being!"

"What are you doing he—nevermind, can you lend me a hand? This is heavy and I have to hand it to the witch!"

"You mean that poor, troubled spellcaster who is unfortunately lying upon her painf—"

"YES!" she yelled impatiently, "Take the bottle with her, I'll be right behind you!"

"…"

"…Yes?"

"… Kindly chase after my being!" The monkey said, dashing off.

"D-Do you always have to... Wait!" Tatl screamed, flying after him.

By the time they got to the back, the sky was almost dark. Koume was still at the same position, moaning loudly, when Tatl and the monkey got to her.

"O-Ow!" She said, maybe a little too forcefully as if calling for attention, but instantly scowled when she lifted her head, "Hey, it's you…!"

"First of all, sorry about my partner's behavior. He's had a bad day," Tatl stated, staring her in the eye to ensure her honesty, then added, "To say the least."

"Hm… You don't seem like a bad person," Koume added.

"I'm a fairy, after all," Tatl joked, receiving a weak laugh from the pained witch. "Now, I have something for you," she said, gesturing towards the monkey, "Monkey?"

"Ah, perhaps you mean this item here?" he said, holding the bottle.

"Of course," Tatl said, doing her best to hold the sarcasm back.

"Very well!" The monkey said, lifting the bottle…

… And drinking it all afterwards. Not a single drop remaining.

All three of them stared at the bottle.

Silence.

Deep silence.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Tatl yelled.

"M-My lady, I do not know why I did this! It most certainly was not within my desire to drink it! I just… drank it! 'Twas automatic, I tell you!" The monkey replied, trembling.

"COULD YOU BE ANY MORE STUPID, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE?!"

"O-Ow…" was all Koume could say.

**Day 1, Night, Southern Swamp**

Away from all the fiasco at the Woods, and continuing through the string of lilypads from before, Deku Link stood at a dead end in the swamp. The path ultimately led to an open part of the swamp with a waterfall on the back, some logs, more lilypads and a cave at the end… with something on the way.

Link had gotten too close to that cave, distracted by his angry, hazy state. From beneath the poisoned waters, out came a giant, round, purple creature with dark, hollow eyes and a vacuum sucker for a mouth, which promptly trapped Link, who was then tossed away to the nearest log.

_It's been a while since I saw a Big Octo. I could finish him off easily if I had some solid ground to stand on, but he's surrounded by poisoned water and cave walls and I can't face him like this without the Deku Mask._

Link was sat at the log, thinking about a way of off-ing the Octo, but realized it was of no use. His only weapons were Deku Nuts (too ridiculous to be even taken in consideration), magic bubbles (which had already proven to be rather ineffective against watery foes) and his spin attack, which would be useless because he couldn't get around the Octo due to the cave walls.

_Argh, screw this. I need to jack off anyway. Probably gonna find a corner in those woods and settle myself…_

Visibly defeated, Link hopped along the lilypad string and turned for the woods, cutting up some Deku Babas along the way for some sticks and nuts.

_Innuendos everywhere…_

He barely registered the pond and the Potion Shop, just sluggishly moving towards the Woods of Mystery, his mind in a total blank…

… When something hit his head.

"Ow! What the— Tatl?!" Link said, after realizing _who_ had bumped him in the head (again).

"Link! I'm glad I found you!" Tatl said, visibly exhausted and flustered.

"Nevermind me, what's with the exhaustion and the monkey and the bottle?" He asked, removing his Deku Mask. _I guess I won't be having any "hands-on" action today, huh._

"Long story, Link, just come with me please!" she said, then realized the monkey was still there and screamed at him, "GO AWAY! NEVER SHOW YOUR STUPID FACE IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN!"

"I am ever so sorry! Ah, er, f-farewell!" he said, hopping back towards the woods.

"… PMS again?" Link asked, which was promptly replied with a glare from the disgruntled fairy.

"Oh like you're one to talk, angsty elf!"

Choosing to remain quiet for now, Link followed Tatl to the Potion Shop, but chose not to enter for obvious reasons. After a few minutes of waiting, he watched as a very flustered Tatl floated out from the window, holding a very full Red Potion bottle.

"I-It was the monkey! I swear!" she said through the window, but then quickly went to Link's side. "Link, please hold this for me, it's too heavy!" He did as she told and held the bottle. Obviously, to a human it was just a regular bottle, so he just picked it with his left hand and kept on walking.

"Where are you going with this?" he asked.

"The witch needs this to get up and bring mushrooms for the other witch to be able to make Blue Potions so that you drunktards can have your daily shots."

"Well wasn't that a pretty unbiased and harmless explanation," Link grumbled. "All right, I'll bring this to that… witch. But you need to tell me something first."

"What is it?"

"Are we REALLY in an alternate dimension?"

"What kind of a q—"

"Tatl," Link cut her off, staring hard at her, "You have lied to me at least twice by now and you rather enjoy hiding things from me as well. Then, suddenly, I'm faced with Koume and Kotake. I have all the reasons in the world to ask you this."

The yellow fairy took a deep breath. "Link, I'm sorry for lying and all that. But this is really an alternate dimension. I didn't even know that those witches existed, let alone why you got such an allergic reaction out of them… But I can say now with 100% certainty that those witches do not know anything about you."

"Can I trust you on this?"

"Link, please…" she sighed, and the boy couldn't help but see his former partner Navi in her again. And his heart melted like butter inside Death Mountain Crater.

_Damn you and that oil tycoon, Navi…_ "Okay. Let's go."

"L-Link…"

"Hey," he said, a mock scowl on his face, "Don't rush me."

"Okay, I won't rush you, idiot." Tatl replied, smiling.

**Day 1, Night, Woods of Mystery**

"So, where's that monkey to guide us?" Link said as he stepped into the woods.

"Fuck him," Tatl said, her voice filled with venom, "I've been here enough to know the way myself."

"What happened between you two?"

"Suffice to say he REALLY is a monkey, in flesh and mind," Tatl replied, going through the first tunnel.

"I can only imagine what he did to you… like breathing or existing."

"I'm not THAT bad."

"Yes y—" Link replied, but, as soon as they got out of another tunnel, he was hit by a Snapper. "OW! Motherfucker!" _Am I going to "casually bump" into enemies like this all the time?!_

The Snapper just looked at him, backed off a bit and let out a battlecry before retreating into his shell, spikes out, and spinning towards him. Link dodged with a jump to the side and he saw his foe bang into the wall, but coming off completely unharmed.

_We're dealing with Lemmy Koopa here…_

Dodging again the Snapper, Link turned to Tatl, who shouted at him. "Link! Its belly! Its belly is a weak spot!" she said, but Link was less than impressed.

"His belly is UNDER him!" He yelled, then rolled to his left to dodge the creature again.

"Deku Flower!" she yelled back, floating around a stray Deku Flower conveniently placed in the center of the area they were in.

_Oh that can't just be a coincidence. More importantly, how did I miss that?!_

Putting his Deku Mask on, Deku Link spinned to avoid the Snapper and stood on the flower, waiting for it to attack again. As soon as the battlecry was, one more time, ringing on his ears, Link burrowed inside the flower and launched himself with all the impulse he could muster in sync with the turtle's belly passing above him.

The damage was such that the Snapper was thrust backwards, lying dead on his back, but Link didn't feel a thing due to the softness of its weak spot.

"Phew," Tatl said, "That was close."

"Not even," Link replied.

"Showoff," Tatl snorted as she made towards another tunnel, Link following suit after removing the Deku Mask.

_Maybe I wasn't really THAT angry at her. Fuck, Twinrova really did a number to my mind._

When they reached Koume, Link heard a few curses and abuse from her, but just silently handed her the Red Potion, stoically looking at her.

"You young'uns and your disrespect to old people, values and cultures! Why I should just banish you and that mischievous child to th—"

"Child?" Tatl asked.

"Yes! That brat! Him and his stupid mask…"

"Tell me, was it a straw—" Link started, but the hag cut him off loudly.

"YES! The Skull Kid! You think I'm stupid or something?! I'm not fooled by masks! I just underestimated him and he tripped me up!" Koume said, then continued, "Now, can I have my potion or what?!"

"Jeez, don't break my heart," Link said, but as he made to give it to her, she suddenly got up on both feet and grabbed it from him, then sat down.

_What the…_

"**KOUME IS REVIVED**"

The witch's loud wail startled both of our heroes, and after a blinding flash of light, she was sitting on her magic broom, floating in midair.

_Could you be any more cliché?! Get some rotten apples and a black cat why don't you!_

"You may be an asshole," Koume said, looking down at Link, "But you did save me so I'll offer you a deal. I run the Boat Cruise Tour, so I'll give you a free ride."

_Koume runs a boat tour in this dimension and Kotake a potion shop. Next you'll show me Ganondorf baking cookies for the homeless._

"Thank you, Ms. Koume!" Tatl said.

"Drop the 'Ms.', will you?! You make me sound like I'm the older sister…"

"B-But you are twins…"

As Tatl finished her phrase, Koume was already zooming away.

"… Well, now what?" Link said.

"Now we go have our free ride, it's the least we can do after you being an asshole to her and I having the potion drank in front of her—"

"YOU DRANK THE POTION?!" Link yelled, laughing afterwards.

"No! Not me! The monkey!" Tatl, flustered yet again, replied.

Night kept on enveloping the swamp and everything that came with it, as our heroes finally went for a boat ride to relax, choosing to put all the anger issues aside for a while.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I hope that the potion-drinking incident doesn't fall on deaf ears, because if so, it means I was a lousy player when I was 9. Also I don't know how well that whole "separate action" thing went, but it was something that fit with Woodfall's theme, so... Abridge'd.


	12. Chapter 12: Operation Banana Selfie

**A/N: **Hey guys, sorry again for the major delay. You know, back when I was just a reader, I'd always go mad at those authors who'd write good fanfics but take a while to update, and then when they did they'd release those A/N's saying "oh sorry work and school etc"… I'd always snap and think "oh boo-hoo why would you start a fic then you retards"… And now I can totally see how wrong I was now that I find myself in the same position. I guess that's life for you, huh.

Also, I'm glad that not only I got a review, but also that said review was comfortingly stating that the potion-drinking thing from last chapter is, in fact, a common mistake. Thank you, **DynturaDJ**!

Well, as always, hope you guys enjoy this one. Keep those reviews coming people, they always help a LOT.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything except the plot (which can be bought on eBay – I will listen to any offers)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12: <strong>Operation Banana Selfie

**Day 1, Night, Boat Rental Shop**

Link and Tatl entered the Boat Rental Shop looking for the not-so-evil-anymore witch Koume, who ran the attraction and had given them a free ride. As soon as they entered the wooden cabin, their attention was directed to the front desk, where a – literally – huge man stared at them through dark glasses, his beard unkempt and hair covered by a strange aviator-like hat, which would sound like the most "remarkable" attribute of the man if it wasn't for the fact that he was almost shirtless and showing a LOT of body hair.

"**EH-HE**"

"Woah! Pedobear!" Link screamed, rolling to the side and hiding behind a vase.

"**HOOOOOOOOoooooooo…** I am most certainly not some sort of kiddo-lover, my boy!" The man said, after letting a… sigh? Or some sort of battlecry? Something like that.

"Um, we're looking for Koume…" Tatl said, trying not to cringe at the forest that rose from the man's chest.

"**EH-HE! **Koume is right there, m'lady!" He boomed, causing Tatl to flinch, then pointed towards a square hole in the far wall of the cabin. Sure enough, Koume's large nose was poking out from the inside.

"D-Do you always have to start every sent—" Link started from his hiding spot, but was cut off promptly by the man.

"**HOOOOOOOooooooo…**"

"Mercy! Mercy!" Link screamed, running towards Koume, then shouted, "A TICKET! FOR THE BOAT! PLEASE! AS FAR AS YOU CAN GO!"

"Not so brave now, are you, brat?!" Koume spat, then started again in a more business-like tone, "The boat only goes by a circular route inside the swamp."

"M-M… JUST… T-TAKE ME…"

Meanwhile, at the front desk, Tatl still bravely fought her desire to shave the man's upper body while she tried to ask him some questions.

"So, what is it exactly you're doing here…?"

"**EH-HE!**"

_STOP THAT!_

"I am the owner of this place and the proud host of the Pictograph Contest!"

"P-Pictograph…?"

"**HOOOOOOooooooo… **My lady, it is simple! You're going on a boat ride with young Koume over there, no?"

_She's anything but young!_

"Then you also have the opportunity to print some memories from the trip!" The man was taking a sales pitch now, drawing Tatl's attention, "How, you ask? With this!"

"What's this?" Tatl asked, looking at a yellow box that the man produced from under the desk.

"It is a Pictograph Box! You use it to take photos! Then, you bring the best one for me and you may win a fabulous prize…!"

_A "Pictograph Box"…? Is he for real?! That's like those cameras from the Stone Age!_

"Wow! I want one! How much?" Tatl asked, beaming.

_NO! Tatl, don't fall for that!_

"**EH-HE!** It's absolutely free of charge, since you were so kind to Koume!"

"Really?! Wow! Thanks!" Tatl said to the man, then dragged the camera all the way over to Link. "Look! Link! LINK! A PICTOGRAPH BOX!"

"…" Link could only stare.

"Hey!" Koume's voice called from behind the two, "Are you lovebirds going on the boat or what?"

"Let's go, Tatl. And drop that thing!" Link ordered, pointing at the Pictograph Box, but the fairy ignored him thoroughly, happily dropping it in Link's satchel.

**Day 1, Night, Southern Swamp**

Our duo of legend-made heroes stepped onto the boat and watched as Koume got in front of it, looking at them but not paying attention, and started announcing the tour.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking."

_You're flattering yourself, witch._

"We will now commence our Swamp Tour of Doom… wait, no, that's not it – I mean our… um… Swamp Tour of Fluff and Happiness… yay!"

_Well that's pretty reassuring._

"Please, do enjoy the scenery and take pictures to your heart's content! Also may I state that littering is a crime and if I see any of you people throwing stuff on the river I…"

_Why is she talking like there's more people in here besides me and a fairy?!_

Ignoring the witch's blabbering, Link noticed the boat had already passed the gate leading to the Magic Potion shop and was cruising through the lilypad string path he had followed when he was mad as hell, blindly trying to find some way into the temple.

_Heh. I think after all I've been through since I left Hyrule, I should be even more out of sorts than I was at the time, so, kudos for me and my superior behavior…_

"Link?" Tatl asked, taking Link out of his interesting trance.

"Yeah?"

"Not gonna take any pictures?"

"… Why should I?"

"Because you have to commit this place to memory! In a sense, it's like we're in vacation and traveling! Y'know, doing some nice sightseeing!"

"… My idea of 'vacations' don't usually include me being turned into a Deku, nor encountering alternate-universe versions of my past foes or dodging rape innuendos every once in a while."

"You're such a spoilsport."

"Easy for you to say when you're just floating around like it's not your busi—" Link started, but his argument was cut short when the boat stopped in front of a familiar cave. Tatl just tilted her head in confusion, but Link, who had already been there, realized what was going on.

Wide-eyed, he yelled at Koume.

"STOP THE BOAT! KOUME, LISTEN TO ME, THERE'S A BI—"

"Would you just be quiet please?!" The witch answered back from above, floating on her broom, "I know what's in there! Just relax!"

As if on cue, out came the Big Octo, splashing poison water around him.

And the boat started moving again.

"KOUME! STOP!" _Is this her idea of revenge?!_

Still moving.

"Link, w-what's going on?!" Tatl panicked, moving behind the boy, but he only panicked back, "I DON'T KNOW! THE WITCH IS TRYING TO KILL US!"

"N-NO! KOUME, PLEASE, WE'RE…"

_I-I have to do something! But I can't jump off, the water's poisoned! A-Argh!_

The boat was now much closer to the Big Octo, as he already widened his vacuum mouth and started sucking the air in front of it. Desperate, Link just closed his eyes and crouched…

… Then, a noise. A yelp. And Link looked up to see the boat's sharp edge piercing the Big Octo.

_Oh you have to be kidding me._

The monster, defeated, shriveled up and let out a sigh before dissolving into the water. Then, a cackling laugh from above.

"Hee hee hee! Come on! Continue the plights! It's funny!"

_T-This is not funny…_

"So I was trying to kill you, huh?! Are you always so suspicious of people around you, brat?" Koume asked Link, who only trembled and shut his mouth.

They got past the cave into a whole new area of the swamp: to their left, Link could see a coast with a long wooden bridge sticking forward, like a port, and a huge palace. To his right and front, he saw high platforms and waterfalls leading to upper heights.

_I'll probably have to check those places out later… Much as I hate to._

"Well, then. We've arrived at the Deku Palace. Are you disembarking?" Koume asked, changing her tone.

"Deku Palace, huh?" Tatl echoed, turning to Link, "Should be interesting to check, maybe they'll have some clues about the swamp and how to reach the temple."

"Or maybe they can tell me some new mama jokes."

A bump to Link's head and our heroes jumped off from the boat onto the wooden bridge, awkwardly waving Koume goodbye as they progressed through the door to the Deku temple…

"Alas!"

"ARGH!"

… Or not. The monkey fell from above on top of Link, startling Tatl – as usual – whose face turned a new shade of red.

"_**WhAt ThE hElL aRe YoU dOiNg HeRe…?!**_" Tatl slowly asked, venom filling her voice, a distorted glare in the primate's direction.

"M-My lady, I am just here in order to deliver a statement… a message, if you will! But first, might I enquire as to why the ground is so unstab—"

"That's because you're standing on me!" Link yelled from beneath the monkey's feet.

"Oh! I am much, much sorry!" It answered, jumping backwards while Link stood up and brushed off his clothes.

"What do you want this time?" Link asked, trying – barely – to keep his cool.

"Ah! Yes! My reason as to why I'd direct mys—"

"CLEARLY!" Tatl shouted.

"Y-Yes!" The monkey yelped, sweating profusely, as if not being able to talk in a different manner than the one he's used to, "I, er… I come forth to you with um… a… message from my cousins."

"Your cousins?" Link echoed. _I thought that the only monkey family with a sense of "family" was Donkey Kong's…_

"They um… want you to… help our other cousin who has been… captured by the Dekus."

"Captured?" Tatl, again, echoed.

_Jeez, aren't we good at this echo thing._

"The temple has befallen a most unfortunate fate, as you probably came to hear?"

_That's not English._ "Yes? Go on…"

"Well, the Deku Princess and my cousin went to the temple to find out, because only members of the Royal Deku Family know how to enter the temple."

_This sounds an awful lot like Hyrule's Royal Family._

"And why is he 'captured' now?" Tatl asked?

"That is the thing, ma'am," the monkey replied, suddenly wide-eyed and pleading, "The princess has disappeared within the walls of the temple, and the Dekus, in their rage and confusion, assumed that my cousin was the one to dispose of the fair lady!"

"Well I can see why they'd suspect him, he has no alibi and was with the victim…" Tatl pondered.

_Oh, so now we're playing detective?_

"But m'lady! They didn't even give him the chance to defend himself! They are intent on toasting him alive!

"Now don't be so dram—"

"I MEAN LITERALLY, M'LADY! THEY HAVE THIS BIG CAULDRON AND…! AND…!"

"Ouch! They are literaly going to cook him?!" Link interjected.

"Y-Yes! Please, he didn't do it! You have to do something! Find him!"

"That's not our pr—" Tatl was going to refuse, but Link cut her off.

"Tatl, listen. The monkey was with the princess at the time. No matter what he did, at the very least we know that he has intel on the temple, and being held captive with the prospect of being boiled to death, I don't think he'd be unwilling to share stuff with us."

"…" Tatl said nothing, admitting defeat – which would mean help the stupid monkey.

"We'll do it," Link said to the primate, "We'll save your cousin."

"I… I thank you, good sir!" Said the monkey, turning and happily hopping off to the woods.

"Alright, Tatl. Initiate covert operation 'Monkey Rescue'!" _Wait. That lacks punch. Maybe "Banana Rescue"? Nah, too… obvious. "Peel Peril?"_

"LINK, JUST… GO!" Tatl shouted, taking link out of another interesting trance and going inside with him as the sun rose behind them.

**Day 2, Deku Palace, Morning**

The door led Link and Tatl to an U-shaped pond that streteched far around and behind a big palace, as to be expected of the Dekus, natives of Woodfall. In front of Link were some platforms, which he hopped across to reach a small hallway.

"Well then Tatl," he said, walking towards said hallway, "Let's see what this palace is all ab—"

A bump.

_Seriously, all I've been doing the past few days is bumping into everything._

"THOU SHALT NOT PASS!" yelled two Dekus at the same time, popping up from two flowers on the ground, blocking Link's way.

"What's with the overused line?" Tatl replied, but the Deuks didn't respond. They just stared at Link with their hollow eye sockets, as if waiting for him to leave.

"You really won't let me in?" he asked.

"No."

"I have a sword…"

"So?"

"I can cut you to pieces!"

"We welcome you to try."

"…" _My tactic is ineffective against guards, it seems._

"Look, this is the Deku Palace. Dekus only. Now scram!"

"Link, what are you doing?!" Tatl irritatedly asked Link, stating the obvious afterwards, "Why aren't you taking your mask out?!"

"Oh! Right!" The boy replied, taking the Deku Mask and putting it over his face, promptly going through the usual morphing process. Even though he changed right in front of them, the Deku guards seemed not to notice it, suddenly changing the look in their eyes – if that was possible.

"Welcome to the Deku Palace. The public normally has little access to this place, but today we are welcoming the likes of you in our sacred abode!"

_More importantly, how come you guys don't bat an eye when someone pulls something like this off in front of your eyes?!_

"If you go straight down this hallway, you'll reach the king's chambers, where the monkey's execution is set to happen!"

"E-Execution…" Tatl cringed, disturbed by the idea.

"And that is it! Do not enter any areas whatsoever, or so God help me!"

"Are you ever nice to anyone at all?" Link asked, but the guards just burrowed underground again, leaving the path open.

"Well, let's go, I guess," Tatl said after blinking meaningfully a few times. So, our heroes proceeded down the hallway, entering the door at the end leading to the palace proper…

**Day 2, Morning, Deku Palace – King's chamber**

The sight was something else. A large room, sand-floored with some stray leaves doubling as seats around a somewhat large bonfire (probably where the cauldron was to be set) and a throne at the far end, a bunch of Dekus in front and, towering above them all, one very large – in every sense of the word – Deku.

They moved towards the king, but something else caught Link's eye. To the side, bars separated the chamber from a small area with a pole… and on top of that pole…

"Look! Tatl!" Link said, pointing at said pole, where a monkey – much like the one who constantly pestered Tatl – was tied high up.

"Is that the monkey's cousin?!"

"Oh of course not, it's probably Diddy Kong. WHO ELSE?!"

"Link, you should seriously check that PMS of yours."

_Not this again…_ "Is there even a way up there?"

"Um, I don't know…"

"You two!" a loud voice bellowed from behind, and a very startled Link turned to look at none other than the Deku King addressing him.

"Y-Yes, my… um… lord?" Link awkwardly stuttered, unsure as to how to address the King.

"What is your business here?"

"I-I… We're here to… um… see that rotten monkey suffer!" Link replied, but His Highness only eyed him warily… then looked at Tatl.

"And… Who is your friend there?"

"Ah! I am Tatl, a fairy. I was specifically assigned to this area from the Great Fairy herself to bless the execution and ensure that you have the heavens' approval!"

_W-What a load of…_

"Oh! Wonderful! In that case, I welcome you!" The king replied, then took notice of something else. "Hey, is that a Pictograph Box, by any chance?"

"Yes!" Tatl beamed, happy that someone took notice of her favorite toy.

"Well I never!" The Deku King was practically smiling now, "Let us take a, how do you call it, 'shelf', you and me!"

"You mean 'selfie', don—" Link said, but was cut off.

"Silence, peasant! I am speaking to the divinity!"

"Hahaha! You don't get any special treatment this time, Link," Tatl said, laughing at him.

"Come on! Join me!" The Deku King said, lifting the box upwards and towards his face, Tatl joining him seconds before the flash that confirmed the taking of a memorable picture.

"Now we have to think of a caption, no? Maybe… #fairy #blessed #fuckmonkeys #followback "

_What the hell is going on here?! I want to go home, this is too much!_

"Hey, Your Highness!" Tatl said, all friendly now, "Is there a way up to that cage?"

Still distracted choosing a caption for their picture, the bigger Deku responded distractedly, "Oh, just go through the outer garden and you'll be fine. Grab some magical beans on the inner garden and plant them outside…"

"Magical beans?!" Tatl replied, sharing Link's incredulous look.

"They really are forcing this 'alternate dimension' thing a lot, huh?" Link thought aloud and turned to leave for the gardens, leaving Tatl to her goodbyes with her new friend.

Glancing at the monkey's "cage", Link saw an entrance at the far end of the area, and registered it, going through the process in his mind.

_So… Inner garden, magical beans, outer garden, cage, huh._

"Link, let's go." Tatl said, standing beside him.

"What, got tired of photoshooting?"

"Well I just found out that the Pictograph Box only holds one picture at a time. It's pretty lame."

"I told you that this was bullshit! You fell right into that man-forest's trap!"

"What can I say, I have a weak spot for technology."

"Says the fairy living in the woods."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I am very allergic to the word "selfie", but somehow I felt compelled to write a scene around the concept. Go figure.


	13. Chapter 13: Mission: Very Much Possible

**A/N**: Okay guys, no excuses, let's get this show on the road again.

**Disclaimer: **I claim absolutely nothing until my lawyer arrives

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13:<strong> Mission: Very Much Possible

**Day 2, Morning, Deku Palace**

Deku Link and Tatl were, again, on the hallway of the strange Deku Palace, only this time with an actual plan on the works… Or something like that.

"So which is the inner garden?" Link asked, looking around the hallway, which featured, as well as the entrance to the King's Chambers and the entry/exit with the two Deku guards, two doors on each side leading to two separate gardens.

"Huh, there are two gardens…" Tatl mused. Two seconds in and their plan already had been jeopardized.

"Ok, Tatl, I need you to fly up there and check which of the gardens has any sign of magical beans."

"Oh, so I'm your personal spying drone?"

"Yeah, maybe you can put that camera of yours to some real use," Link said, pointing at Tatl's Pictograph Box.

"I plan on throwing it away into the next trash can we find, but sure, I'll go. Be back in a minute or two…" Tatl said, then floated upwards until she could see both gardens well enough.

_Now that I think about it, I can't believe I've never had Navi spy things for me before. Fairies like that are some Metal Gear Solid spying shit. I could've found out about quest-related stuff way earlier like that Ruto girl's underp—_

"Hey!" Tatl came back _right on time_, and interrupted Link. "I've found it! I think."

"You 'think'. Great. That's always the kind of result we expect."

"Look, bozo, listen. The garden to our right is the one we're looking for," Tatl explained, pointing towards the entrance, "But there's something we should be careful about."

"Like what?" Link asked.

"Well," The fairy responded, "Both gardens have some features. First of all, they're a bit maze-like, as in, lots of walls and rocks and obstacles like that."

"Oh, I hate mazes…" Link grumbled under his breath, memories surfacing.

"But that's not all," Tatl continued, "They are both under surveillance."

"Surveillance, you say? Like cameras and stuff?"

"Do you really think those guys know what technology is?"

_Says the Proud Pictograph Box Owner!_

"No," Tatl sighed and continued, "There are some guards doing rounds around some structures. We have to find a way around them if we want to reach the end."

_Castle Courtyard all over again._ "And what's at the end?"

"A hole."

"No need to insult me, I was just ask—"

"No, really, there's a hole at the end. I know it's not conclusive, but the other garden has nothing that looks like a place that sells beans."

"Oh, gotcha. So we reach this hole and enter it to find the salesman?"

"That's my best guess right now."

"Real secretive. I wouldn't be surprised if those 'beans' turned out to be really 'magical'…"

"Oh come on, like you've never tried."

"I'll have you know I only take Blue Potions, and they're perfectly legal!" Link shouted as they entered the inner garden. The place was small, as in a square-like garden, and structures like small towers, rocks and blocks gave the place a real maze feeling. As Tatl said, Deku guards like the ones at the palace's gate were circling around the structures in a manner that reminded Link of Hyrule Castle's guards, who circled around as well, in the same orientation, stopping at precise times and for perfectly timed durations.

And he planned on using his burglar-like experience today.

"Alright Tatl, hide inside my hat, please."

"W-Why?! Do I _have_ to?!

"Yes you do, you're all yellowy and shiny and you're just gonna attract attention." _And hey, you have no qualms about randomly entering my hat to slack off._

Tatl sighed. "Okay… make some room please…"

_Alone time, how long has it been? I've missed you._

Putting his back to the wall behind him, Link strafed sideways until he reached a corner. Looking to his left, he could see a huge rock being circled by a slow-moving Deku.

_Ok, this is a piece of cake. The guy clearly hates his job to be moving so sluggishly. Let's dash in 3… 2… 1… G—_

"INTRUDER!" a voice shouted following a sharp, ear-shattering whistle noise. Link may have slipped past the guard's back when he wasn't looking, but he failed to see that there was another rock with another patrol guard just behind him… and his lack of foresight cost him.

Thrown out – literally – out of the palace, Link got up and rubbed his aching back. "Fuck, I think I've lost my touch…"

"That was SO lame! Oh my god! You're worse than Johnny English!" Tatl freaked out, trying to think of alternate ways to get into the garden along with the injured nuisance to her right.

"Well I'm sorry I don't have, like, X-Ray vision or something!"

"Now how do we get back in?!"

"Let me try talking to the guards…"

"Yeah, sure, try talking to the guys who just threw you out, that's a brilliant idea."

Link didn't listen to the fairy, instead going to the gate to talk to the two guards who, again, burrowed out of their Deku Flowers to eye him warily.

"Aren't you the Deku we just threw out…?"

"Ah—er—I—No! I am great rich millionaire from distant place!" Link answered, throwing his green hat to the side.

"W-What?" One of the guards asked after both flinched.

_Seriously, they've seen me "change" like three times now and still can't tell each one apart._ "I am coming here to, er, how do you say… 'szvatkza'… oh! The 'execution!'" Link improvised, very badly, but the guards seemed to buy it. "Tatline!" he shouted, and Tatl took a second or two to process, but floated to his side.

"Y-Yes, um… d-darling?" She said, stuttering and maybe gagging a bit.

"Please hide in my hat and bring it to me once you get inside," Link whispered into her ear, "and also act like I've just told you something important and give me your Pictograph Box."

"O-Okay…" she said, still whispering, and then raised her voice for the guards to hear. "No problem, darling. I will see you after your meeting with the King!", she said, floating to the side.

_Whoa, she's sharp._

"You have business with the King too, sir…?" The other guard asked.

"Yes, I have the business, yes! I intend to, um, bring this Ptograph Box and take one 'shelf' with my friend King!" _Ugh._

"Oh, by all means, please come in! His Highness' chambers are at the end of the hallway, and, um, if you could please avoid entering the gardens to the sides, we'd appreciate it…"

_The tone changes when the money changes, huh._ "Thank you! I am with the gratefulness!"

Link then got in, watched as the guards went underground, and quickly dashed to the inner garden to meet with Tatl at that same corner he was before he got caught. Sure enough, the yellow fairy was there, carrying his hat.

"Ok, position yourself inside it again as you put it on, please…"

"Link, I'm not your real servant, okay. You put it on yourself."

_Dammit, it was way better being a millionaire._

"Alright Tatl, I'm gonna need your help again this time. Hover up to that rock I couldn't see and keep an eye on the guard's movements so I don't get caught again."

"Okay, but do we have a signal?"

"I'll be waiting here, looking at you. When you see that both guards have their backs to me, you do that flashing thing you do with your body and I'll dash past 'em."

"You sure this will work?"

"If this plan doesn't work, I'm trapping myself into a Goron body."

"W-Well alright then, why don't I just…" Tatl trailed off, quietly floating above the wall and taking her spying drone position again. The guards kept on doing their boring rounds in the same lazy fashion, until least common multiple laws brought them to a point where both guards had their backs to Link.

Tatl quickly flashed her body, doing her best to not flash too brightly, and Link took the hint, zooming past the clueless security staff. He, then, motioned for Tatl to scout the next area while he hid behind a tall bush.

_Operation "Castle Courtyard on Steroids" going well so far…_

"Okay," Tatl whispered, floating back to Link's side, "There's a guard across from you who's going to turn a corner and disappear for a while, that's your cue. Just rush forward and enter the door to your right."

"Uh-huh," Link nodded, "Then what?"

"As soon as you go past the door, hide behind a bush to your left. There's two rectangular structures in front of it, with two guards circling them."

"Right, and you'll signal me when they're both—"

"Nope," Tatl interrupted, "They're going opposite directions, you'll get caught."

"Well what do I do then?"

"I don't know, you're the Max Payne here."

"Ugh… Okay, I'll come up with something. Get under my hat."

Following suit, Tatl entered beneath the green clothing while Link slightly put his head outside to see if the coast was clear.

_Ok, I'm really gonna have to do this again… I'm lucky these guys are dumber than me._

As Link saw the first guard coming, he hid his face a bit more. When he passed his hiding point, Link did what probably no spy would ever do: he started tiptoeing behind the guard.

And what do you know, the guard didn't even notice. He kept on walking. While Link was literally behind him.

_Man, it's like someone's deliberately making this easier for me._

As they reached the next corner, between this and the next structure, Link stopped and stuck to the wall. Sure enough, the second guard came and went past him. Moving quickly so that the first guard wouldn't catch him, Link started walking quietly behind the second guard until they were both on the other side of the wall.

_There! The hole!_

Link made a mad dash towards the hole, which surprisingly startled the guard, but too late to see anything. They were already inside.

**Day 2, Afternoon, Deku Palace – Underground**

The hole led to a small underground area of the palace, with a grassy floor, a small pond to the right and an outstretched carpet to the left, where sat a fat, bald man, furiously eating what appeared to be chips.

"Phew, we made it," Link said, letting out a breath.

"Far from it. Still have the outer garden to go," Tatl answered, then took notice of the man on the carpet. "Hey, is that guy the one who…"

"Maybe," Link interrupted, "Let's see if he has the beans or not."

They both made their way to the man, who looked at them, but still didn't stop munching on what, on closer inspections, looked like actual beans.

_Yeah, go ahead, impulse eat your stock away. Shining business handling._ "Um, hello?" Link asked.

"Mmmmmmmmmm… *munch munch munch*…" The man barely registered Link there, but then asked through a very full mouth, "Whaddya want, pops?"

"I'd like a… magical bean, please?" _God, this sounds so stupid._

"Oh, sure, pops. *munch munch munch* 10 Rupees and it's yours."

"Oh, alright, lemme just…" Link trailed off, looking for his wallet.

"What is exactly magical about these beans?" Tatl asked, taking over the conversation.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm… they *munch munch* taste real good…"

"I-Is that all…?"

"Oh! Sorry, got distracted. These beans, ya know, they grow into plants."

"Yes… go on…" Tatl said, a little annoyed by the prospect of being part of a big prank.

"These plants, well, they fly *munch munch munch* real high, right?" The salesman said, still barely making any sense through his mouth full of beans, "They're like them magical carpets from the cartoons."

"Um… and how do we grow them?"

"Find ya some soft soil, plant the bean, water it, shazam."

"Just like that?!" Link interjected, Rupees in hand.

"Yep, guaranteed. Less 'n 3 minutes."

"SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!" Link yelled, literally throwing the money at the salesman, who flinched and gave him some magical beans.

"You have a shopping issue," Tatl stated.

_W-Why you… What about your useless photo box?!_

"So, do you know where the outer garden is?" Tatl asked.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm… yeah. Just go outside the gate, make a left and go all the way 'till ya reach the end…"

"Right, thanks." Tatl said, moving away from the munching man and to Link's side, who was filling a bottle with water from the pond.

"Where'd you get the bottle?"

"Well, someone I know had this bottle before me, she was supposed to fill it with Red Potion and bring it to a witch but failed—"

"IT WAS THAT MONKEY!" Tatl yelled.

"Right, right, blame the inferior being. Typical," Link jokingly said, closing the lid on the bottle and making his way out of the cavern, Tatl following him.

**Day 2, Afternoon, Deku Palace**

"Okay, so the outer garden can be reached from outside the gate?" Link asked.

"Yeah, we just need to backtrack." Tatl stated.

"Backtrack and repeat all that crap? No sir," Link said, "I have a better plan."

"Which i—LINK?!" Tatl said in shock as Link started to run around and shout through the garden.

"JESUS IS RETURNING! HE IS COMING BACK TO THIS EARTH! THE SINNERS SHALL BE PUNISHED! I REPEAT, OUR SAVIOR COMET—"

"Hey! Intruder! Get back here!" The nearest Deku guard shouted, intercepting Link like a loose football and throwing him out of the palace again.

"S-Shortcut…!" Link said, half-jokingly, as he got up from the ground.

"Link, what's the big idea?! You couldn't be bothered to strafe through a bit more walls?"

"We don't really need to go inside again, do we? Enjoy life a bit more, will ya."

"T-That's not.. Argh! Fine! Let's go!" She said as Link started hopping around, following another lilypad string, which stretched through the entire left half of the palace's poisoned moat.

As they finally got to the end, Link saw a patch of conveniently prepared soft soil and a sign that read, "Outer garden entrance".

_Hmmmm, so, I just put the beans here…_

Mere seconds after Link inserted the beans in a hole in the soil, a small sprout rose from it.

"Whoa! Is this even—" Link said, shocked.

"Looks like it's not growing anymore, maybe you should water it." Tatl said, looking at the sprout.

"Right, good idea," Link agreed taking out the bottle and just dropping all the water inside at once.

"You'll drown the damn thing! What is wrong with you?!"

"Oh shut it will you, everyone knows water is ineffective against grass in Pokémon!"

"Link, for the last time, Pokémon is not real li—" Tatl began, but was interrupted by a sound. When she looked for the source, she saw a large, round, carpet-like floating leaf where the sprout was.

"You were saying?" Link said, a smug smile on his happy-go-lucky face.

"…" A confused and defeated Tatl accompanied Link as he stepped on the leaf. It floated upwards, stopping at a small hallway up on the wooden walls of the palace. Proceeding forward, Link found himself over the inner garden, and noticed that the towers that were there had all Deku Flowers on top of them.

_So THIS is the outer garden, huh. I guess I just have to hop, flower by flower, until I reach the cage…_

"Link, there are Mad Scrubs on the flowers!" Tatl pointed out, and right on cue, a Mad Scrub popped out, spitting Deku Nuts at Link – and missing, due to the still considerable distance between them.

"I guess we're in for some aerial action, huh," Link said, burrowing inside the flower and blasting off upwards.

_I'm getting the hang of this flying business, at least. Just don't look at the ground…_

"Link! There! It's right below you!" Tatl stated, being Link's "eyes" and a good spying drone.

"Gotcha! Fire in the hole!" Link shouted, dropping a Deku Nut, which hit the Mad Scrub and did away with the poor beast.

"Bullseye!" Tatl cheered as Link, losing height and momentum, landed on the just-conquered flower.

"So, it's rinse and repeat from now, huh?" Link asked.

"Yeah, pretty much. This is kinda fun, actually!"

"I know, right?! It feels weird to be having actual fun in this hellhole of a journey, but…" _…but what?_

"Alright then, blast off in 3… 2…"

"1… GO!"

Link passed through both gardens via Deku Flower, bombarding every Mad Scrub along the way. Fortunately, since he couldn't look down out of fear, Link failed to notice that Tatl had pranked him – the other inner garden actually hosted a fairly large hoard of Rupees.

She laughed to herself as Link landed on a platform high up, and passed through a big door-like hole on the wall.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Tatl is such a prankster. Also, I'm thinking about maybe mixing up some elements of the 3D remake (which is awesome – go out and buy it if you still haven't!) into the story, but I'm still not sure which ones.

Alright, thanks to everyone who is sticking through these boring hiatuses and to any new readers! And, as always, reviews are greatly appreciated. Peace out!


	14. Chapter 14: Rinse and Repeat, 12 Times

**A/N**: And here we go with another chapter. This one was hard as balls to write, man. Southern Swamp ain't easy to explain.

Anyway, enjoy folks! And feedback is always appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **If I'm rewriting an existing character, can I claim co-ownership of it? Watch me, Nintendo…

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><p><strong>Chapter 14:<strong> Rinse and Repeat, 12 Times

**Day 2, Afternoon, Deku Palace – King's Chambers**

After going through a full course meal of trouble and action, Link and Tatl finally reached their intended destination. The cage where the monkey was held in was situated in a very open and visible place of the King's Chambers, however, so the covert operation was still ongoing.

The monkey was tied up somewhat high in a white pole, but otherwise, the cage, surrounded by metal bars and with a few loose boxes and crates spread around, didn't have much else of notice.

"Well, here we are," Link said, quietly.

"Look how the poor thing tries to wrestle himself off of the ropes…" Tatl said, noticing that the monkey didn't look very happy or conformed with his situation.

"The way that other monkey put it, he must've been locked in for at least a day or two, right?"

"Probably."

_That's some willpower._ "Well, let's get him out."

Link put his Deku Mask off, figuring that his smaller Deku figure wasn't doing him any favours, and scouted the area.

"So how do we get up there in the first place?" Tatl said, looking at the rope.

"We can't attract attention because the Deku guys are standing right next to us," Link said, "Which means we have to avoid noises and too much movement."

"Which means you're too scared to cut the rope and get caught," Tatl said.

"N-No! Of course not? W-Why would you even think that?" _Damn this fairy and her sorcery…!_

Tatl, ignoring her partner's Lake-Hylia-transparent lie, rose up towards the monkey until they were at face level.

"Hey, chill, chill," she said to the struggling primate, "We're here to rescue you."

"… **MAY I ENQUIRE THE TI—**" the monkey started in a booming voice, but Tatl slapped him across the face and hid behind the pole while Link dived behind a crate.

The Dekus, of course, all looked towards the cage, but when they only saw the monkey, they assumed he was throwing a fit and carried on with their businesses.

"What is _wrong_ with you monkeys? Every time you open your damn mouths it only causes pain and suffering!" Tatl hissed in a low voice.

"**I—**I'm sorry," the monkey managed to say, finally subduing his anger.

"Now, let's start by asking you a couple of questions," Tatl started, floating left and right like a TV series detective, "First of all… is it true that you were with the victim at the time of her disappearance?"

"Yes, but—"

"And is it not also true," the fairy cut him off by making her tone of voice a little more imposing, "That you also went with her to the temple under the motivation of investigating the temple's 'curse'"?

"That would b—"

"Now isn't that strange?" The monkey was already beginning to turn red in the face, but Tatl carried on, "Why would you, a monkey, an adaptable and developed creature, be so worried about businesses that would only matter to Dekus?"

"Well it's where I l—"

"Now, I'm led to believe th—"

"**SHUT UP FOR A GODDAMN MOMENT!**" The monkey, finally angered at Tatl's train wreck of an interrogation and constant interruptions, shouted, prompting Tatl to zoom back to Link's side behind the crate. The Dekus looked to the side again, but only saw the steaming monkey angrily cursing and trying to wrestle himself off of the ropes, so they went back to preparing the execution ceremony.

"Tatl, for fuck's sake," Link started, whispering, "You don't go to a monkey with clear anger issues and start pointing fingers in his face! I know you're no detective, so stop acting based off of Hotel Dusk!"

"But I thought…" Tatl trailed off.

"You keep pressuring him and you'll only make him go apeshit – no pun intended – and we'll get nowhere. Hell, we may even get caught. Let me handle this."

Link looked around, checking his surroundings, and then walked quietly to the pole, looking up.

"Hey. Hey, can you hear me? And please!" Link said, before the monkey could respond, "Keep your voice low, please. I'm here to get you out."

"Really? How do you plan on doing it?" The monkey responded.

"Like this!" Link jumped to the side, in a ninja motion, then hopped to another loose crate just behind the pole and leaped towards the rope, sword in hand, ready to cut it.

Of course, he didn't.

"I-It didn't… That rope's too thick, damn it." Link said.

"Oh, beautiful…" The monkey grumbled, looking to the side.

"Look, I'll figure something out. But can I just ask you some questions? I'm headed to the temple, so maybe if I find something there, I can bail you out…" _If you're innocent, that is._

"You're headed to the temple? Don't be foolish," The monkey said, now looking Link in the eyes, "It's been badly cursed. The insides are filled by murderous creatures, poisoned water and traps, all controlled by a monster!"

"A m-monster…?"

"I didn't get to see it very well, but it was huge. Human-shaped, slim, but towering tall. He took the princess and knocked me the fuck away right to this palace's doorstep."

"All the way from the temple?!"

"Yes. The temple's on Woodfall proper, directly across from the palace."

"Hmmmm. Look, I'm going there, cursed or not, so please tell me how to get there."

"Well, if you want to die so badly, then it's not my concern. Near the palace exit, there's a Deku Flower and a cave up on the wall. That's the shortcut to the temple."

"Sure. And I'm not going to die, you can bet your ass on that." _I survived a hand coming out of a toilet, nothing can be worse._

"Hmph… Let's hope so. Anyway, the temple's submerged in the poisoned swamp, so you have to pull it out."

_Um, what?!_ "Pull it… out?"

"Yes, with a song. The Deku people have a song that they sing on an altar to bring the temple out from underwater – 'underpoison', in this case."

_Oh, fuck this monkey, what a clown. _"Well okay, and you know this song?"

"Yes. I'm going to hum it to you, so listen carefully and memorize it…" The monkey said, then quietly sang the melody while Link memorized it.

_Hmmmm, maybe I can remix this with some cheap dubstep motif and finally kickstart my musical career…_ "Okay, I'll be going now".

"Hm. Good luck, I guess… whatever", the monkey replied, looking to the side and gritting his teeth.

_You could try and blurt out this "Thank You" that you're saving so badly inside your cuckoo mind…_

Link motioned for Tatl to leave and she followed suit, both of them exiting from where they came.

**Day 2, Afternoon, Deku Palace**

They backtracked through all of the outer garden – Link would've tried another funny gimmick to get caught and thrown out, but Tatl bumped against his head until he forgot what he was planning to do. Soon enough, they were at the path to the temple mentioned by the monkey.

"Put your Deku Mask on and get going, fairy boy", Tatl ordered.

"I swear, if you keep rushing me like that, I'm going to flip out", Link answered while putting on the mask, then burrowed deep into the flower and blasted to the exit.

**Day 2, Afternoon, Southern Swamp**

As soon as Link stepped back into the Southern Swamp area, he noticed some enormous yellow platform-like flowers positioned in a line that reached the back of a waterfall.

_What's with this place and strings of plants?_ "Well, what's the plan?"

"Hmmm," Tatl mused, then started, "There's a Deku Flower right in front of you, but you'll not get far enough flying… Maybe we should just blast to that first flower and figure out something, no use being here."

"Right. Let's go."

As Link was approaching the center of the first platform, he noticed that another Deku Flower waited for him at the very center. Preparing to land, he lowered himself… and was hit, letting go of his support copters and falling to the ground.

"W-What was that?!" Link shouted, looking frantically around until his eyes locked on to a flying creature a few feet above him. The foe looked like a mantis, but with tiny dragon wings and an electric hook attached to the rear end, like a tail.

"That's a Dragonfly, Link! Its weak spot is the tail, but you can't hit it while it's sparking like that!"

"You could've told me that before that monster hit me!" Link angrily said, dodging another tail whipping from the Dragonfly.

"I didn't see it! I was trying to download new filters for my Pictograph Box!"

"Weren't you going to throw it away?!" _And how is this thing capabl… ok, never mind, here it comes!_

Dodging again, Link set his sights on the Dragonfly's tile, while the monster bzzzz-ed his way towards him. The bubble that flew from his Deku hole – the one that's more safe to describe – hit the Dragonfly, but nothing happened.

And he took another blow to the face.

"Fuck!"

"Link!" Tatl shouted, "Try Plan B!"

"Um, which is…?"

"Burrow underground and surprise him!"

"Don't say that too loud! What if he hears u—OW!" Link was interrupted by a third blow to his face, and now was starting to feel really weak.

_Ok… here goes nothing!_

Link burrowed underground, but didn't go all the way, leaving part of his head showing. The Dragonfly took notice of it and prepared another strike, coming very close…

And Tatl yelled.

"NOW!"

Link went deeper and blasted upwards, severely hitting the Dragonfly, who fell on the ground, lifeless.

"G-God damn these creatures surprising me…"

"Nice going, Link. Let's go, we can recover later!"

"Easy for you to say, all you do is shout and hurl abuse from afar while I do the painwork…"

"Have you ever seen a coach come to the pitch to play?"

"Well in 1856 there was this B—"

"THE ANSWER IS NO!" Tatl yelled, "And let's get going, the sun's setting."

"Um, I think it might be a bit too late to try and tackle the temple, maybe we should give the next area a fair shake and reset time to try from Day 1."

"That… makes sense. Ok, let's go towards Woodfall!"

It turns out that all flowers had a Deku Flower on the center – and Dragonflies around – so the path was pretty much rinse and repeat until our heroes reached the back of the waterfall. In front of Link, there was a stone plate, and to the side, a passage into Woodfall. The stone plate read some notes, but what really caught Link's attention was standing on top of it…

"K-Kaepora?" Link said, looking above to look into the eyes of Kaepora Gaebora, a huge owl that watched over the Kokiri children in Hyrule. Wise and talkative, the bird was a respected figure, even if the conversations about him were not always pleasant.

"Alternate dimension…" Of course, Tatl thought in advance this time and avoided another fiasco. This Kaepora, while as wise as the Hylian one, had no knowledge of Link, nor Hyrule.

"Ho-ho-ho-ho-hoot! This is a rare sight. You are a fairy child, correct?" Kaepora asked.

"Y-Yes…" Link said, still weirded out over having to talk to an old acquaintance like it had amnesia or something.

"What business might you have in this poisoned swamp?" The owl proceeded.

_Why do I feel that it's not really listening to me?_ "Um, we were going to scout Woodfall and then go back to t—"

"If you dare not venture further, I shall pass no judgment. It is better that you hurry back to town. This swamp you are in has lost its guardian deity. But it was destined to fade anyway."

"Destined to fade anyway…?" Tatl asked, a bit confused.

"If you have the courage and determination to proceed in the face of destiny, then I shall teach you something useful…" Kaepora finished, looking down to the stone plate and the notes below.

"Oh, I get it," Link said, taking his Deku pipes out and blowing the notes inscripted. That was the Song of Soaring, which the plate described as "the song with the power to warp to where the memories lay". Link scratched his head, a bit lost.

"Did you understand all of that?" Kaepora asked, with Link half-paying attention.

"Nope. U-Um, I mean, Y—"

"Ho-ho-ho-ho-hoot! This is a rare sight. You are a fairy child, correct? What business might you have in this poisoned swamp? If you dare not venture further, I shall pass no judgment. It is better that you hurry back to town. This swamp you are in has lost its guardian deity. But it was destined to fade anyway. Hoo-hoot...And that destiny is not solely limited to this swamp... If you have the courage and determination to proceed in the face of destiny, then I shall teach you something useful."

_F-F… Nggghh… This is all too familiar…_

"Did you understand all of that?"

"Nope!" Tatl said, cheeringly.

"What the hell is w—" Link started, but…

"Ho-ho-ho-ho-hoot! This is a rare sight. You are a fairy child, correct? What business might you have in this poisoned swamp? If you dare not venture further, I shall pass no judgment. It is better that you hurry back to town. This swamp you are in has lost its guardian deity. But it was destined to fade anyway. Hoo-hoot...And that destiny is not solely limited to this swamp... If you have the courage and determination to proceed in the face of destiny, then I shall teach you something useful."

"Tatl! What's your problem?!"

"Did you understand all of that?" Kaepora asked again, not a change in tone or expression.

"Nope!"

"I am going to k—"

"Ho-ho-ho-ho-hoot! This is a rare sight. You are a fairy child, correct? What business might you have in this poisoned swamp? If you dare not venture further, I shall pass no judgment. It is better that you hurry back to town. This swamp you are in has lost its guardian deity. But it was destined to fade anyway. Hoo-hoot...And that destiny is not solely limited to this swamp... If you have the courage and determination to proceed in the face of destiny, then I shall teach you something useful."

…

**Day 2, Night, Southern Swamp**

"PLEASE STOP." Link said, after listening to Kaepora's speech for the 12th time.

"Hahahahahahahaha oh man, it's so good to mess with you," Tatl said between laughter.

"Did you under—"

"YES I DID!" Link shouted.

"—stand all o—"

"I UNDERSTOOD."

"—f that?"

"YES! JESUS CHRIST, YES!"

"From the first time you play this song, we shall become eternal friends, transcending time and place!" Kaepora Gaebora said, flying away.

_Oh, fuck you. _Link shook his head and went into the passage with Tatl, finally progressing into the next area…

**Day 2, Night, Woodfall**

Woodfall proper wasn't much but an overgrown natural basin of water, with stray lilypads, algae and islands, connected via woodplank bridges, strewn across the water.

Except all of the water was poisonous.

"Jeez, this is really the source," Tatl stated, "The stench is getting worse by the minute."

"It really is," Link agreed, "If I take my mask off, I'm afraid I'll end up actually poisoning myself from smelling it."

"Well, so this is Woodfall… no real complications or puzzles."

"I see a couple of Mad Scrubs from here," Link said, "Probably guarding Deku Flowers."

"Yup, and that central pillar over there with the carnavalesque aspect… it's some sort of shrine?"

"More like an altar, but yeah, it's probably where we have to go. The monkey told me that the temple was underwater, and the huge blank space in front of the altar makes it even more obvious."

"So, reset time?"

"Yeah. But first… What's with that song and memories?"

"I dunno Link, but if I could guess, I'd say it's a song that can warp us to places we've already known…?"

"You say that like someone else told you before."

"Um, no, but I do feel something ominous in the air now…"

"Alright, enough of that. Let's reset time."

"Yup."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Phew, they almost found me out…!


End file.
